bridget . friends

there have been too many days to count that i have gone to school or even just going to photography class upset or stressed or worried about something going on in my life. but for every day that i have been upset or stressed there is twice as many days that a friend has been there to inspire & keep me going. reminding me that it gets easier, nothings permanent, & you can do anything you set your mind to. while in photo class she taught me these three things, probably without knowing. I can honestly, only hope to be as admirable, inspiring, & beautiful as Bridget. she has been nothing but honest, lovely, & kind to me.

photo class itself used to be that thing that would distract me and let me leave all my worries until it became another stress and worry. people in that class began to make me anxious and make me uncomfortable. now, people are that outlet and distraction for me. bridget can easily talk to me or even just be there and i can oh so easily distract myself and forget all the things that are going wrong because she reminds that things get easier & it will get better. I haven't had a friend like that in a while. i'm sad to see her go, soon. but won't ever forget her. i'm completely blessed to be able to call her my friend. i couldn't ask for a better friend & role model!!

i'm so excited for her to go off to college in santa barbara & grow up into a beautiful, strong, independent, smart, women! she will do amazing, great things in her life!

thank you for being you, bridget! i'm truly excited for you big bright future! you are an inspiration to me daily!

stay beautiful,

h

truth is . friends

no matter how many times i try to write this post without crying, it won't work. i just have to suck it up and write it. for the 17th time & just cry my way through it all. 

four months ago i met a girl. i met her through tumblr this crazy place that i thought would just be a blog for me but turned into this "match maker" and somehow i found her. i found this girl, no women, that changes me everyday. that inspires me to keep breathing & keep laughing. i couldn't do this thing without her. back to the beginning though. it was this crazy time in my life when someone i love and care for dearly, was going through lots of things and she couldn't figure out any of it. i could see it in her eyes, in the way she "smiled" and in the way she would walk. she wouldn't tell anyone about her brokenness and her aching heart. she felt so alone. and i wanted to reach out to her and hold her through it all, telling her how much she is loved, wanted, & valued. but because of our rough past, i didn't know if it was right. i was seeking help & didn't know what to do. i talked to my mom about it but, not much help there. then i realized that i had reached out for a little love on tumblr before and it worked beautifully. so i did what i always do, went on tumblr looked through about found this beautiful women named Ashley. i hate to bother, burden, & bug people about my problems so i messaged her asking if i could ask her for some advice about a friend, it only took me one panic attack & two long days to send even that. she replied promptly and i told her the gist of my situation. she told me things i never thought of, related to me in ways i never thought possible and i followed her every word. she could see how much i wanted to help my friend and she helped me through that. then after her lovely, perfect response to my first message i wanted to know more and make sure i was doing the right thing, so i messaged her again: I thought it would be okay. I just wasn't sure. And I am going through basically all the same emotions and things as her but I keep it in. Makes me depressed but I don't want to be. Half of me knows I can help her and give her hope but the other half knows I am close to giving up myself so I don't know if I can give it 100% which makes me sad. 

she then walked me through that and talked to me about her experience & give me tons of good advice. then for the first time in so long, i got to the bottom of her response and i read: Also, may I ask why you want to give up on yourself or is that really personal? Just wondering if maybe I can help at all.

i cried for two hours wondering, why on earth would this beautiful stranger ask about me? why would she care? she doesn't care! she is just being nice. i had this conversation with myself in my head about the whole thing. wondering if it was at all real! i finally said, hailey you've got nothing left to lose. talk to her. tell her your thoughts, your struggles, not all of it but let someone in! please, you can't do it alone anymore!!!!

so i told her it was a long story and asked her if we could talk somewhere else. we exchanged numbers and two days later, i got the text that i will never forget, simple but oh so meaningful and it was truly the beginning to my journey to slowly but surely recovery that i'm on right now. we began to text daily and then three days later my first mental breakdown. she knew basically everything. i told her every thought, emotion, struggle everything. it was truly something i needed. i hadn't told anyone before her. i told her that night what i was thinking, every little dangerous thought thinking she won't answer she is asleep. she doesn't really care. she is just being nice. it's stupid, don't text her. but i did and she was there every second of that night. she and i text everyday. we went a few days without talking for health reasons but, we never lost each other. she has been there for me all along, it just took me a while to find her. she was always pushing me along. keeping me safe & never failing me once. i knew after two months that she wasn't leaving. but even to this day i have those moments of hesitation and curiosity. does she want to walk away? is she going to wake up today and think i'm not important anymore, that she would be better off without me? nope!!!!!! she never fails to remember me & think of me daily. i tried to give her a day to herself without me. it didn't work out. she was actually worried about me. and by the end of the day i had five texts asking if i was okay, and why hadn't i texted her all day. those little reminders that mean she doesn't want to leave. she really is in this with me, for the long hall. and that after i'm healthy & happy, she'll still be here for the good, bad, & the ugly. she knows it all and i could never get rid of her, I DON'T WANT TO EITHER! she means too too much to me for me to ever want to lose her. if i could i would fly to her in a second. if i could i would hug her forever. if i could i would send her a letter everyday with ten reasons why i love her and admire her. if i could i would go back in time and message her earlier. if i could i would be with her everyday, follow her to all her classes, do all those things that she does and just be constantly inspired. she is truly the most admirable & inspiring women i've ever met. she makes me day every day & knows me better than i know myself. Ashley has become a part of my family, my heart, & my recovery. i can't go a day without getting a text from her. i can't do lots of things without checking it with her first. and i just can't get through without her support. every word she says comes with love, hope, & inspiration.

i'm far from recovery but, she keeps me going. she keeps me on track. she "holds" me through the long, tiring nights of tears. she is my HOPE. INSPIRATION. most importantly she is my SISTER.

i couldn't do this without her. i'm truly beyond blessed.

stay beautiful,

h

struggling . personal

{ source }

I just want for once someone to be scared to loose me.

-march.22

I’m so easily forgotten.

-march.21

i don’t know where i stand anymore..

when you say we need to talk, i take it seriously or in a good way that “wow she really wants to talk to me about something!” but, you fail to tell me more, like i don’t know. maybe when? where? what it is that we might be talking about? like seriously.. and i can’t say that i want to talk to you because you do that EXACT same thing. however, i suggest time & place but you fail to respond. i get it!!!! your life is hard, mine is too; you have stress for school, i do too; you don’t always want to hang out with me, me either. but here is what’s different! i make time for you, i go out of my way to figure out when & where i can hang out with you and talk. i try my hardest, i give you ALL my energy, love, compassion, & effort. and if i’m being honest i’m sick of getting NOTHING back! since when did you give up on this friendship? sense when did you leave? let me know what’s going on. i can’t read your freaking mind!!! sometimes it hurts me for you leave me out of these things. if there is a problem, tell me. if you need space, tell me. if you have a question, ask me. don’t assume i will know what’s going on in your head without you telling me. i swear, i WANT to help, i want to understand & answer as many questions as possible. but if you aren’t putting in the effort. should i continue???

-march.18

nobody wants to talk to me…

-march.17

i tried to help. i tried to be a good “friend” but… i guess i’m not helpful or a good friend.. 

-march.16

i mean nothing to you i guess.

-march.12

late night thoughts... i just can't hold on for this "brighter future" anymore..

the only reason i'm still barely breathing, support from my parents & Ashley.

xoxo-Hails

doing my best . personal

i am only human.

after a while, in the night, the texts stop. the emails stop. the messages go away & friends go to bed. and i am only left with a mean uncomforting little voice in my head. i fall apart all over again. i usually wait an hour or so before i go to my last resort in calling ashley. i first look at the list of girls i saved our texts & wonder who would answer, care, & be honest. nobody. i can't look at one of those names and go "OH YA!! They care so much & will wake up & want to help!!!" so i cry. i wallow. i wait for sunrise.

bad idea guys, terrible terrible idea. that's when i start second guessing, overthinking, getting bad thoughts, wondering who actually honestly cares, questioning friendships, & just becoming more sick of myself.

i get super upset a lot lately and i feel empty, like no one cares. yes, friends have reached out to me but i tend to push it away. not because i don't want to get better but, more because I don't & refuse to burden, bother, or scare anymore friends. i refuse to lose friends & beautiful people in my life. it has happened far to many times for me not to realize what i did and to not stop. it has to stop. now.
because honestly, on my own i'm doing my best. i'm trying to keep a smile, laugh even when it hurts & just live my life with no regrets. i can't stay stuck in this position. there has to be something better & easier than the way my life is right now. i just know it. from what i've heard and witnessed i know there is a happier life to live & a bigger picture than this tiny piece & part of my journey.
sorry for my rant...

stay beautiful,
h

golden hour . photography

today i had the honor of photography these lovely ladies!! during the best hour of the day, the golden hour. right before & during sunset!!! it is such a beautiful thing to see my two friends over the weekend & it was a blast getting to photograph their gorgeous faces. to see more & read more about this photo shoot head over here to my photography blog & enjoy!!

stay beautiful,

hails

late love . personal

there is something so personal about early morning or late night texts. it is a feeling that nothing else can bring. something like magic. a piece of magic & hope all rolled into one. it makes you feel wanted and appriciated. it makes you feel like that person really wants to talk to you or else they would have left by now instead of staying up with you until half past 12. something that speaks louder than the text tone. as crazy as it sounds, that is how i feel every time i have a conversation that goes into the dark of the night. it makes me feel like they really do care about me. they really do enjoy talking with me about anything, and sometimes we don't even have to talk about anything just sit in silence and we both know that neither of us are falling asleep just thinking, remembering, & feeling. 

xoxo

new years . holiday

 

first off, officially Happy New Years!! it is actually 2014, and new year. today was the page 1 to a wonderful 365 page book of our life's! and its only one in a series of many many books. i hope you all celebrated with loved ones or friends & hope you had a lovely day today! :)
reflecting on 2013 is something i want to do & something i'm dreading at the same time... i want to do it so i can put it in the past and just sprint forward to 2014. i am honestly dreading it because it was such a rough year filled with too many tears & too much hurt. don't get me wrong there were some good & happy moments, like always, but it was just a year that certainly changed me. i'm grateful for the love and support that got me through because i probably wouldn't be here with certain people... Victoria, Arielle, Natalie, Kelsey, Becca, Erica, Lesley, Alyson, Megan, Jane, Kyley, Ashley, Pilar, Sam, Grace, Kendall, Sarah, & Him. of course my support group is such an incredible help in letting me open up again & become honest with myself and everyone around me. i can't believe how far i have come from the beginning to end of 2013. its a beautiful, scary & loving transformation. if someone told me that i would meet all these people, go through all of that & reunite with many old friends...i would have cried for hours. haha but, here i am loving life & enjoying the new year and what it brings to me! i know as long as i follow His path and lessons for me then i know i will be okay.
this year i plan to write more love letters, give more hugs & kisses, love more, have more adventures, do more crafts, laugh more, cuddle more, enjoy things more, take more photos. i also plan to keep my blogging promises & life promises. i promise to be more kind, loving, supportive, humble, accepting, nonjudgemental, happy, excited, joyful, & healthy. i promise that my 2014 book will finish and it will be good!! i promise to post more & take a photograph everyday that shows emotion of some sort, even if it is the worst day ever. i have somethings i plan on changing, which are i guess my resolutions...? .eating healthier .working out more .writing a letter to myself everyday .giving out more hugs .stand up for myself .giving more love letters then i have some more personal ones, which i wouldn't like to share... thank you for understanding!!
hope you have a wonderful start to the new year & i hope i didn't loose all my followers... i am grateful for the views but i would love some lovin in the comments or hate anything really. if your listening.. hello? anybody still reading my little blog...?

when youre ready to give up . personal

when you are up late at night ready to give up and just don't see the light anymore. just remember that i am here for you. forget the past of us, forget what we ever fought about, forget that i don't even know you, forget what i am going through. i am here for you and i am not going anywhere until you feel loved, special, & WANTED. i know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel so alone and only the dark of the night is there to make you feel even worse. you are just about to cry because this all makes so much sense and it all hurts because the heavier your heart is you harder it is to put it all into words. once things start piling on, you get buried. you can't even look in the mirror anymore and see yourself. soon you forget who you are. you forget what even started this. you forget why you lie to your friends and say everything is okay. you forget the little pieces of yourself that you used to love and know so well. you realize no one is there for you anymore. or you just don't want to burden them with your pain while they have their own pain and problems to deal with. they say they will be there when really they wont. it hurts so much to be alone that the tears come easy. you don't even think about it before they start streaming down your beautiful cheeks. the night drags on and all you have to be hopeful of is a brighter tomorrow.

that was me. that was how i spent my every night for the past year. 

i was alone. i was falling apart at the seems and nobody seemed to notice or care. it was easy for me to not care because why should i fix myself if nobody else would gain anything from it. i hated to burden people with my issues. i kept having these crying spells and after i sent any text whether is was me saying hello or me asking for help, i would feel horrible after i pressed send. i wished it would just delete itself and never have been sent. after Victoria explained to me and made me remember that i do need to vent. i need to let things out and just tell someone about it. i couldn't keep it all in forever. she helped me get the courage to go to challenge day at my school {read more about it here}. she gave me hugs and was super supportive when everything was falling apart. she was there when i was alone and crying. she is an amazing friend. she has become a big part of my life and a major role model. after challenge day i found a new beautiful and loyal friend. she was in my family group during the day. she has become almost a sister to me. she has become my light and my wonderful friend. she has helped me when i feel no hoep is left. she has helped me and is currently helping me with all the troubles of high school girl friendships. she is an incredible women and i will never forget what she has done and brought into my life. kelsey, an amazing women who has never left my side. :)

i love you. i love you more than you know. f you are ever feeling down or weak, you can ALWAYS count on me. i will always pick you up!!! please don't give up, i am here for you.

xoxo-Hails

sorry for my lack of words . blogging/personal

i am terribly sorry that i haven't been blogging as much as i'd like to be. i am super sorry that I haven't been around these parks a lot. i use this as an excuse a lot but, it happened again. my BFF said goodbye, forever. i am not going to be all secretive about the name or even what happened because, lets be honest i don't know what happened. i think it was maybe two weeks ago that carrie decided to call it quits. i am not blaming her for everything and if it sounds like i am. i am sorry. this is my side and hopefully it will help me get closure by writing it all down. i hate adding her name as a tag to this post. she shouldn't be associated with anything like this. i never wanted to hurt anybody or push her into saying goodbye. parts of me are convinced she changed a little after getting her first bf & kiss. the other part of me is just mad at myself because maybe i am the reason. maybe i never change and people just change without me. they grow up and evolve into these beautiful 16 & 17 year old women while i am stuck in the past. i haven't had either of the new experiences that she is having. i haven't had the pleasure of being so close to a boy that your lips touch & all you want to do after that is be together 24/7. i never got that. i am beginning to think i never will get it. 

when she left she left me with tons and bucket loads of tears to shed and nothing to hold onto. a friend told me to think of the words she said before goodbye, it was probably way better, she said. i was totally convinced that it would be. then i read it. the  two words that hurt more than goodbye. "i'm done." i sat and locked my bedroom door and cried for hours. i cried until i physically couldn't produce anymore tears. i waited two days until i told anyone what i was going through. i hate to bother them and complain to them about something that has happened to me about a thousand times in the last year. loosing carrie was the worst. seeing her at school & on the soccer field sucks. it makes me instantly upset. it breaks me down and soon i wont have anything else to loose. one day i saw her and i ran into the bathroom and hid in the corner of a stall crying for all of lunch. it hurt so bad. it still stings my heart when i see her. how easily she moved on and forgot about me.

recently i asked a friend to do me a favor. something that i knew would be helpful but i put it off for a year. i asked her if she would dispose of all the notes & letter between carrie & i or even melissa & i. she was super supportive and understanding with what i was and am going through. she gladly took the ones i gave her and i could feel a load coming off my shoulders. i could feel how light i felt and how much more confident i felt letting go of things that i didn't need. things that only brought pain to my heart & soul. i kept a few. i kept some that i thought would come in handy. i kept one from melissa that was given to me after my Omi passed away. it was beautiful and wasn't about her or me. it reminds me to stay strong and that she is always looking after me from Heaven. that was important to keep. the things from carrie are all gone. i don't want to sound heartless when i say that. i just mean it wasn't healthy for me. when ever i read even the first sentence i would burst into tears. it became to the point where i was crying so much i was loosing sleep & i wasn't eating. missing carrie as much as i did was horrible. i didn't get any sleep and barely ate anything for days. i didn't have the answers or anything like that to help me move on. it is easier, Victoria was right. it got easier to breathe & walk through the halls without having anxiety about seeing her. i still care about her. i still wonder and think about her. i still like her in some ways. it is just in all different ways.

i can finally say goodbye to her. i feel as if i can finally see her and continue laughing or smiling because her leaving changed me. sadly it changed me for the better. i had no idea how strong i was until now. 

i will be back on the blogging spree soon, love you so much!

xoxo-Hails

2 years of . blogging

it has been a wondrous journey with this blog and i.it holds many secrets, heart aches & loving stoires of my life & my friends in it! i love this blog with my whole heart and it has become a part of me. literally, sometimes i see things or have experiences and i think "i'm going to blog about it" that is truely what i do!
i want to thank you all for following and being there for me & my blog in all ways that you can. this post is short and sweet because A) it is all i can handle with everything else going on & B)i want to reflect on specific posts in other individual posts.
again thank you so much for being such beautiful & kind people!

xoxo -hailey (:

what i need . personal

every obstacle i face i continue to power through it one way or another. i tend to not give up until i am better or stronger than i was before it. i feel like this year i am taking on more. i am stressing myself out about getting all A's and focusing mostly on school. i now see that that leaves me feeling more and more lonely everyday. realizing that i have to say no to more sleepovers & other friend activities. it is weird. i am used to getting all worked up and super excited about stuff like that but honestly right now, i can't even begin to understand how i would fit something like that into my strict schedule. it may seem like i am complaining and believe me i am not. i am far from it. i don't want to come off that way because i put this on myself. it was my decision to change the way i plan my junior year. i have gotten may messages from uppercasemean & some college friends that tell me to just relax and have fun with junior year. and i want to have fun and just be chill like i was the last two years but, i feel like it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough for me to get B's & A's i feel like i need more school studying time that i can actually get serious about college and my future. i want to go to WSU in Pullman {washington state university}. i want to enjoy my classes and also my work that i get. as if it isn't enough for me to set aside time from 4:20-6:30, then 8-9pm to study and totally focus on my academics. I also made time during every weekend that i need to at least fit in 4 hours of working time. it is nuts that i think i can also get a good night's sleep & also have fun junior year. i can't stress it enough how hard i want to go to WSU and how much i want to do really really well.

then comes in the little things that have to click in order for me to continue with those big things. i want to continue my bible study...alone. i want to continue to grow in my new faith. i want to continue to honor my promises with this crazy blog that has brought me such joy and many blogger friends. i feel so blessed living in this wonderful house that my family makes a home & having so many outlets that i can use to help better myself & my relationships with others. i might be going all other the place in this post and that is good! i am glad that i can write it all out in a mess of nonsense so i can go back one day and see how far i have gone. you guys don't even have to read the whole thing! :) however, i do really love & appreciate those of you who do read these crazy posts. you are a true blessing.

these past few posts have been so vulnerable for me and such an eye opening thing. i have to keep on reminding myself that vulnerability is the key to creativity & passion. i keep waiting for my burst of passion. ;) nobody really understands how hard it is to say what your thinking in your head because it is so confusing you aren't even sure about much of it. this is my mind set basically, right now, think positive, think beautifully, think like the great person you are. right now, honestly, i am finding beauty & power in the unknown. 

there is only one thing i have to say to one person, who i am almost positive will never read this but, i need to say it. i have been holding it in wishing that i could have the power to say three words that mean so much more to us than anyone really gets.

be here, now.

xoxo -hailey

blah . personal

this has been my life.
everyday.
for the past month

wake up at 6.
go to school.
learn.
go to get my dad.
get home.
study schoolwork.
cry.

bible study.

cry.
go to bed.
sleep for 6 hours.
repeat.

it isn't pretty and it isn't fun. it just reminds me how challenging my life is getting. it just reminds me how much i have to work in order to fill in my gaps with love & fun instead of tears & crying into my pillow. along with school and all those pressures... i am trying to continue my summer bible study & learn more & continue to grow my relationship with Jesus. it is hard enough to my studies & learn all about Columbus & how he "discovered" the Americas, i just want to be in a good student. i am adding on so much more pressure on myself with my bible studies on my own, might i add. i love the time of day when all i have to do is sit & read the bible with Him by my side. i love the calmness i have and all the emotions that i get when i read something so powerful it inspires me to change my ways to better my relationship with Jesus. that is what i strive for now-a-days. i strive for that emotional & vulnerable feeling i got when i sat in Jane's church. i love that.

my life isn't perfect. my relationship with Him isn't perfect. my emotions aren't controlled. i have felt feelings that i never wanted to & feelings that i want to feel everyday! i recently got two different emails from two friends that i cherish with my whole heart. they were filled with expressions like "you are perfectly made." & "you are just a strong follower of God, i wish i had that relationship with Him." & "you are the most organized person i know. all the time you are just so composed & organized." WHHHAT?? how do i, hailey aliamus, deserve those words in my inbox? how do i fit those descriptions? i am NOT perfect, i don't have everything organized 24/7. those times when i am at home alone scheduling school & personal & blogging & photography life all into one, i get really disorganized. i have this thing about a part of my room that nobody should ever see it. it's like that closet that monica has on Friends, the messy closet she doesn't want chandler to see? ya, i have one of those spots in my room. it's where all the unfinished projects, notes, books, & even thoughts go when i just can't figure it out. believe me i am FAR from perfect & organized all the time, but thank you.

love you guys. :)

p.s. prayers would sooo be appreciated.

this is hard . personal

this year i was praying a whole lot that i could see certain people, mostly one, over the school year. it hasn't happened. it tears me apart when the day ends and i realize, i didn't see her. some days, it kills me to an extent that i can't see her. it makes me cherish the photos & moments that i had with her. i wish i could tell her this but, i just can't. i can't send her a long text & put this on her. she has a "new" life & just hasn't found where i fit in, yet. i pray every day & every night that i will see her at school the next day. i need her to get through junior year but, i don't think i will ever get that kind of connection with her again, this year. some days i don't know how to handle it, so once i'm in my car i cry. i have cried my eyes out two days in a row just thinking about how the day happened. it hurts me so much. if you're reading this, i'm sorry that i bug you, i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i wish you could understand. i want you to have other friends & your bf you're happy, i just wish i could be a part of that & see you. i haven't seen you, REALLY, since the last day of school last year. JUNE. that blows me away. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i don't want you to feel bad, or guilty or anything bad. i just want you to know. i wish you could see what this does to me. i feel sick & i feel weird not seeing you. you are such a precious jewel in my life. you are a blessing from God. if his plan was to take you away, i can respect that but i don't believe that it is. you're an incredible, amazing, beautiful, & spectacular friend & person. i get the feeling that i got before i lost another friend. i miss her everyday. i miss you WAY more everyday. i am sorry.

i am sorry. thank you for letting me vent & i will be back soon to blog about recent events & Catholicism!

xoxo C.C.

i'm still here .personal

i'm still alive, i have just been busy. last week was girl scout DDC, & these past few days have been hard. 

i honestly thought i would come back from all my trips with my slideshows & videos all edited & ready to post however, due to recent events i haven't had enough time to edit & such. i am so sorry, i will post them all by friday. this coming weekend will be an emotional one!! my sister, who as been a great goalie, sister, & elf at camp, is heading off to college so we are dropping her off on saturday right after we go to my Godmother's moms birthday party! eventful day. 

i have also been realizing that friendships are hard. communication is key. finding time for each other no matter how hard it is, is so important to keeping in touch with your buddies. i try my hardest to be open & welcoming to hanging out with my friends some days i wake up and i just want to stay home & read, by myself. then there are times when i use every bit of my energy to text, call, email my friends & try to get together & i get the feeling they hate me after that. i bug them too much. it's a hard balance. 

i know that horrible feeling in your stomach, the one you get when you know your friend doesn't like you anymore. i know that feeling all too well. then i start to confide & tell a close friend, and i start feeling like they think they aren't good enough. it is a constant war in my head!! 

friends, i constantly tell them they are beautiful, smart, & amazing. i honor true friendships & it is hard when the other person doesn't care as much. i guess, that's just how it works. :(

sorry i got off topic! and if you followed all that, your awesome!!!

xoxo- CC 

{i will be signing my posts 'CC' for a while. my camp name is Cotton Candy & I am so used to people calling me CC or Cotton Candy!}

camp winton . summer

so Camp winton treated us lovely, we went up there to have a beautiful camping trip before my school year started & before Angie had to go back to school! it was nothing short of amazing. i am so glad we decided to go there & meet up with my God brother, Seth and his buddies.it was a wonderful experience and i love love love the atmosphere there! it was so welcoming & such a beautiful backdrop for a boy's camp. no wonder my God brother stayed all the weeks/sessions of camp! i do hope we go back new summer!!

xoxo-hails

small sentences . personal

the little, small, tiny, petite sentences & words have the most meaning behind them. and when you put ten or eleven of them together, you have something so breathe-taking it's crazy. one little sentence that i have used way too much over this last year is 'i am sorry'. i have sent it every and any form you can think of. i've said it in letters, emails, texts, fb messages, on posters, on facetimes, in videos, in songs, poems, yearbooks, tumblr, my blog. and i think i need to stop. i should say sorry for my actions, i have good reasons for doing them & shouldn't be second guessing my every word & thought. i shouldn't have to or even need to say sorry for anything i did, anytime. some people just dont get that i made the choices i made because if i didn't i wouldn't be who i am today. i wouldn't be as strong, happy, & proud of my self as i am today. i wouldn't be excited about all the challenges that will come towards the end of summer. i wouldn't be ready to take on everything God gives me. i wouldn't be happy right now. my knowledge & scars from the past can only make me strong & mold me into the person i will become.

i am not sorry for the things i said or the things i thought or even did. i have choosen the lessons & morals i wanted to learn. :) thank you all for baring with me through my, 'i am sorry's.thank you for helping me learn my lessons & guiding me to my true self. 

thank you, carrie for guiding me through my tears, laughs, & smiles. thank you for sharing your knowledge & love when everything went blurry. <3 you are truely the best friend & sister anyone could ask for.

xoxo love love love-Hails

human . friends

we as humans need to take care of each other and our self's. we need to take responsibility for the choices we make as humans. it needs to be known to our man-kind that when we do things and make these choices that we follow through. somethings have risks, you need to know them and be ready for any or all of them to happen. you need to know that it is your responsibility to take care of those human mistakes and believe that you can. i know that if you made that choice that you will continue to take care of it. it is very important to educate yourself before doing anything, yes it may sound paranoid and make everything seem scary but, i want you to be ware of what could happen. some risks are beautiful, great, fabulous, even. you need to choose your challenges & pick your risks. 

as humans we aren't perfect, we lie, we cry, we do stupid things, we make mistakes...we are only human!! so if someone tries to make you feel bad because you did something wrong and made a mistake, i bet they have down something worse or at least the same mistake. it sucks when people look at you and judge that you did one silly mistake in your life. it is OKAY to make mistakes.

it is hard to choose those battles and make those "advanced" decisions about people. you shouldn't see a 16 year old pregnant and judge them just on the fact that they have a baby inside them. it is so mean. you need take a step back & check yourself... dont judge someone you don't know. you don't know their story, you don't know their life, you really have no right to judge them by one thing you see on the outside...as humans we need to help each other guide each other, love each other!

xoxo-Hails

the REAL meaning of love from becca . friends

"To believe that I know what real love is all about at such a young age would be such a silly thing of my to say However, I can tell you what i feel within my own relationship.

What I feel for him has never gone away since we first met. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but there was definitely a connection. We clicked. Something was automatically there, almost like it was waiting to be found.
It was there even when I didn’t want it to be. And that brought me pain like no other. I’d like to think love is when two people would give everything they have for one another. It’s about two people putting in equal effort to make the relationship work, no matter how difficult it is. Love is when you two can tell each other anything openly, and still love them.
Love is felt when you look into each others eyes, and you start crying because you’re so happy to be with them.
I love my boyfriend. Maybe I don’t know everything about love, but I know I love him. Love isn’t easy. It’s work. But it’s so worth it"

-becca :)

when i read her response to one of my anon questions, no lie, i sat their crying. i cried over how all the sudden i realized that what she has i want. i want to be loved like that. i want someone whwhere when we are together alone we cry because we are just so happy together. i love to see my friends with their nice boyfriends. holding hands, hugging, kissing, even, their heads just seem to seamlessly fit together like God made them that way for each other. i also have to be honest, a am not afriad of a lot. i will cry at school on the floor, i will go on any roller coast {within reason}, i will do just about anything, i love to go crazy & just do something i haven't tried, diving feet first. the one things that never fails to frighten me & make me stop in my steps, love. love is horrifying thing. YES becca makes is sound beautiful & so peaceful & don't get me wrong it probably is but, i just can't fall for someone that i date. i honestly don't see myself getting asked out or even told that a guy likes me. i don't see me dating anyone for a year or two like many people already have. i don't enjoy being hurt by people and then having to see them everyday & feel that same pain daily.. it will go away but, honestly i am still waiting.

we all remember ben right? well he hurt me, in many many ways & we didn't even date. he loved me, he was my closets thing to love & happines with any guy. i don't want to be that close and loose again. i sound so paranoid when i say these things about love because HELLO!!!! i have no special guy in my life & wont for a while... i am not trying to bring myself down & i am not trying to be mean to myself i just need to know that i will be fine without any guy. it is crazy because i re-read ben's letters daily. i don't cry anymore but i still feel and wonder "what if..?" every time i read the one sentence..

"...when we are together it is like the 4th of july, christmas, our birthdays, & memorial day weekend ;) put together. i feel like i am on top of the world. i want to feel it everyday. i want to see your smile everyday...."

i always wonder what if he didn't crash? what if he didn't leave? what if we stayed together that night? what if it happened? when all those hings and days come rushing back all i can do is smile. {tears used to come, smiles replace them now...} the feeling of his hand gently touching my shoudler, slowly moving up and down. the breeze quietly flowing throughout the beach. just one touch can change a lot, that is what i learned that day. midnight runs never failed to keep us laughing. ben did suggest ONCE to go streaking but, i opted out and nate wouldn't do it either. however, skinny dipping was never off the table.... ;)

my point: love is beautiful, crazy, emotional, confusing, & everything becca said, becca is beautiful, smart, lovely, & so sweet!

xoxo-hails

p.s. here's a little secret between you and i, okay? in the end all was off & we went crazy in the moonlight...

lost . personal

friends, people you can COUNT ON for anything. help, advice, love, hugs, shoulders to cry on. they are supposed to help you through the rough times and when you make it through they stay with you, realize that, that made your friendship stronger.

 when you finish a hardship, all i want to do is celebrate with my friends that hep me through. i can't do that. i dont get the happy, laughing friend that she was. i dont get any of her smiles. i dont get to be there for her when she needs it. and she wont be there for me. it is over. she has made it clear as day that she doesn't like me. WOW, still getting used to saying and seeing that written. it still stings and will for a longest time. for now, all i can do is hide. hide my tears, sadness, & anger. i can only blame myself for the things that she believes i did. i rushed it. i skipped the fun parts of a friendship and jumped in, fast. she wasn't ready and scared of everything i needed help with. i frightened her & she ran away faster than i thought she would. i didn't want this. didnt plan this hurt & sorrow. hope your days are brighter, happier, & better than my days.

:) xoxo, hails

Carrie | friends.

so my birthday is on friday & i will be spending it with my closest friends: carrie & paola. they make me feel so loved and cared for. after this years trails and triumphs, they are still with me. i am so glad to have them in my life. 

when you meet people like these two they make a big impact on you. they "imprint" on your life & leave footprints on your heart. makes you feel blessed and all warm. carrie has been my rock, my sister, my caregiver. she is there through the lonely, tear-full nights when i can't seem to find the light in anything. i dont feel deserving of my birthday this year. i feel that it should be celebrating carrie & how much she has given to make me happy & help me through my worst days. i am sorry that i never get to show you or give you anyting that will amount to what you have given me in these last two years. :)

i love you so much carrie, i hope your days are filled with love, hope, & happiness!!

short&sweetness!!!

xoxo hails