no matter how many times i try to write this post without crying, it won't work. i just have to suck it up and write it. for the 17th time & just cry my way through it all.
four months ago i met a girl. i met her through tumblr this crazy place that i thought would just be a blog for me but turned into this "match maker" and somehow i found her. i found this girl, no women, that changes me everyday. that inspires me to keep breathing & keep laughing. i couldn't do this thing without her. back to the beginning though. it was this crazy time in my life when someone i love and care for dearly, was going through lots of things and she couldn't figure out any of it. i could see it in her eyes, in the way she "smiled" and in the way she would walk. she wouldn't tell anyone about her brokenness and her aching heart. she felt so alone. and i wanted to reach out to her and hold her through it all, telling her how much she is loved, wanted, & valued. but because of our rough past, i didn't know if it was right. i was seeking help & didn't know what to do. i talked to my mom about it but, not much help there. then i realized that i had reached out for a little love on tumblr before and it worked beautifully. so i did what i always do, went on tumblr looked through about found this beautiful women named Ashley. i hate to bother, burden, & bug people about my problems so i messaged her asking if i could ask her for some advice about a friend, it only took me one panic attack & two long days to send even that. she replied promptly and i told her the gist of my situation. she told me things i never thought of, related to me in ways i never thought possible and i followed her every word. she could see how much i wanted to help my friend and she helped me through that. then after her lovely, perfect response to my first message i wanted to know more and make sure i was doing the right thing, so i messaged her again: I thought it would be okay. I just wasn't sure. And I am going through basically all the same emotions and things as her but I keep it in. Makes me depressed but I don't want to be. Half of me knows I can help her and give her hope but the other half knows I am close to giving up myself so I don't know if I can give it 100% which makes me sad.
she then walked me through that and talked to me about her experience & give me tons of good advice. then for the first time in so long, i got to the bottom of her response and i read: Also, may I ask why you want to give up on yourself or is that really personal? Just wondering if maybe I can help at all.
i cried for two hours wondering, why on earth would this beautiful stranger ask about me? why would she care? she doesn't care! she is just being nice. i had this conversation with myself in my head about the whole thing. wondering if it was at all real! i finally said, hailey you've got nothing left to lose. talk to her. tell her your thoughts, your struggles, not all of it but let someone in! please, you can't do it alone anymore!!!!
so i told her it was a long story and asked her if we could talk somewhere else. we exchanged numbers and two days later, i got the text that i will never forget, simple but oh so meaningful and it was truly the beginning to my journey to slowly but surely recovery that i'm on right now. we began to text daily and then three days later my first mental breakdown. she knew basically everything. i told her every thought, emotion, struggle everything. it was truly something i needed. i hadn't told anyone before her. i told her that night what i was thinking, every little dangerous thought thinking she won't answer she is asleep. she doesn't really care. she is just being nice. it's stupid, don't text her. but i did and she was there every second of that night. she and i text everyday. we went a few days without talking for health reasons but, we never lost each other. she has been there for me all along, it just took me a while to find her. she was always pushing me along. keeping me safe & never failing me once. i knew after two months that she wasn't leaving. but even to this day i have those moments of hesitation and curiosity. does she want to walk away? is she going to wake up today and think i'm not important anymore, that she would be better off without me? nope!!!!!! she never fails to remember me & think of me daily. i tried to give her a day to herself without me. it didn't work out. she was actually worried about me. and by the end of the day i had five texts asking if i was okay, and why hadn't i texted her all day. those little reminders that mean she doesn't want to leave. she really is in this with me, for the long hall. and that after i'm healthy & happy, she'll still be here for the good, bad, & the ugly. she knows it all and i could never get rid of her, I DON'T WANT TO EITHER! she means too too much to me for me to ever want to lose her. if i could i would fly to her in a second. if i could i would hug her forever. if i could i would send her a letter everyday with ten reasons why i love her and admire her. if i could i would go back in time and message her earlier. if i could i would be with her everyday, follow her to all her classes, do all those things that she does and just be constantly inspired. she is truly the most admirable & inspiring women i've ever met. she makes me day every day & knows me better than i know myself. Ashley has become a part of my family, my heart, & my recovery. i can't go a day without getting a text from her. i can't do lots of things without checking it with her first. and i just can't get through without her support. every word she says comes with love, hope, & inspiration.
i'm far from recovery but, she keeps me going. she keeps me on track. she "holds" me through the long, tiring nights of tears. she is my HOPE. INSPIRATION. most importantly she is my SISTER.
i couldn't do this without her. i'm truly beyond blessed.
stay beautiful,
h
