doing my best . personal

i am only human.

after a while, in the night, the texts stop. the emails stop. the messages go away & friends go to bed. and i am only left with a mean uncomforting little voice in my head. i fall apart all over again. i usually wait an hour or so before i go to my last resort in calling ashley. i first look at the list of girls i saved our texts & wonder who would answer, care, & be honest. nobody. i can't look at one of those names and go "OH YA!! They care so much & will wake up & want to help!!!" so i cry. i wallow. i wait for sunrise.

bad idea guys, terrible terrible idea. that's when i start second guessing, overthinking, getting bad thoughts, wondering who actually honestly cares, questioning friendships, & just becoming more sick of myself.

i get super upset a lot lately and i feel empty, like no one cares. yes, friends have reached out to me but i tend to push it away. not because i don't want to get better but, more because I don't & refuse to burden, bother, or scare anymore friends. i refuse to lose friends & beautiful people in my life. it has happened far to many times for me not to realize what i did and to not stop. it has to stop. now.
because honestly, on my own i'm doing my best. i'm trying to keep a smile, laugh even when it hurts & just live my life with no regrets. i can't stay stuck in this position. there has to be something better & easier than the way my life is right now. i just know it. from what i've heard and witnessed i know there is a happier life to live & a bigger picture than this tiny piece & part of my journey.
sorry for my rant...

stay beautiful,
h