What.... Ch. 7 | "She" Anonymous
With my sister's & brother back home I felt safe; in a way that I never felt before. It was like they were here to help me & guide me through all the bad. My brother was always the first to know about any boy related problems, he would rush into my room & say "I swear, he will be dead!". I always felt comforted by the well known fact of Pearson being there for support. I began to wounder what we could do if Austin broke up with me, or cheated. Austin & Pearson had their own history; they were friends before Pearson went off to college & they talked off and on during school. I wouldn't think he would do anything to him but, I wasn't sure.
I knew that my talk with Joshlyn wouldn't keep me happy & well all my life. I needed to talk to her for a longer time. I really was worried about my well being, a few days ago I was beginning to have my normal symptoms for my old sickness. It wasn't stopping and I needed help soon, if I wanted to stop. I did of course I wanted to stop & get better. I just needed a little help, actually I needed a lot of help. I needed a therapist & a very experienced doctor. I was ready to end it, for good, forever.
After Wednesday, I was ready to go to sleep all break. I had the worst week, Austin would not stop bugging me about when we were going to have sex again. It was getting annoying, I think he told one of his friends and he probably made some stupid comment about how if we don't keep doing it means that I hated it. He knows I enjoyed it since we talked about it openly for about three days in a row. I wish he wouldn't ask his friends about this stuff; he probably asked Nick, he was always the dirty one in the crowd. I also had one of my friends just complete hate me. Don't even ask me why, I wouldn't know where to begin guessing. I hate it when she does this to me. I never know how to get back to normal with her. I hate it this time a lot more because it has been over a week & that usually doesn't mean good things.
I just needed this summer to chill and escape all the drama & crazy people. I walked up the stairs knowing Cierra would be up there ready to play in the pool. I also had to go up and let the babysitter know she could go. We hired Grace a while ago when my mom decided to go back to work. Cierra was 2 years old & my mom was missing work & all her friends. Grace is a full time nanny for the Peterson's, our neighbor, it was perfect when we interviewed her and found out about her nanny job it was easy for us to hire her. She has been like a big sister to me, ever since. As I went up the stairs I remembered that I got out early so Cierra was probably eating lunch or napping by now.
"Hello?" I whispered as I tip-toed up the stairs.
"Hi, shhh. I just got her to sleep. It gets harder and harder these days to put her down for a nap. How are you?" she whispered back trying to keep Cierra asleep. She reached out for a hug.
"I am okay." I said quietly trying not to break down.
"Are you sure? I have noticed some changes in your behavior & stuff. I am worried, darling." She really did sound concered, she was only four years older than me but, she was like a mother.
"No. I am perfectly fine. Today was the best last day of JR year!" I said trying to sound happy & relieved that school was out. Holding back so much.
"OK, if you say so! Walk me out?"
"Sure, how was she today?" Changing the subject quickly before she could ask anymore personal questions.
"She was okay today, she cried three times. That is the least that she has cried in months." She turned towards the shoe seat & began to slip on her rain boots, if anybody could make rain boots make sense in the summer it would be Grace! I opened the front door and felt a hot breeze sweep through the foyer.
"Ready?"
"Yep, have a good summer! Text me. Bye!" she said as she reached out for two hugs.
"Thanks, you two." I walked back up the steps & into the foyer, closed the door and stood there for a few seconds. I ran back out the door & over to Grace's car, she was just putting it in drive, when I ran into her car and screamed, "I am not ok!"
She quickly put the car in "park" and got out, "It is ok, you can tell me anything."
"I just can't be strong anymore..." I continued to tell her about everything my insincerities, my dreams, my failures, Austin, everything. It was the first time in a long time that I could trust someone with all of that. Telling Joshlyn wasn't a big deal because she knew everything about me since day one but, telling and confiding in someone who was a blood relative was mind blowing to everybody. It was the first time that I thought Grace would keep it to herself & be able to help me through it all.
"Wow, you have been going through a lot haven't you? I wish you told me sooner, I know I dont see you for more than five minutes a day but, we can always get together & talk about it." She was beginning to sound sad & really worried about me.
"I am too young to deal with everything at once. I have been strong for too long & really need a friend to help me. Everyday I look at it in the mirror & it reminds me that I failed. I failed, I let him do those things & did nothing to stop him. I let him hurt me & he made me think I wanted it." I began to cry even more.
"It is ok. He can't hurt you anymore. I promise, you are safe. Just breathe." She spoke calmly.
"I wish I could have stopped him. It is a part of my past, it is a part of me." my cheecks got hotter & my tears got colder.
"It is a part of you but, it doesn't define you. Darling, lets go for a drive. I want to show you something, I think it will help." Grace spoke with beauty & peace in each of her words. It was easy to see that she would help.
"Okay, what about Cierra? She is still asleep & my family isn't back yet." As I spoke those last three words, we heard Gianna's old beat up car drive up.
"Perfect!" Grace turned and winked at me, "I got this. Hey Gianna! I am going to take Hailey out for a ride. Could you watch Cierra? I just put her down, she should be asleep for an hour or two."
"Of course! Hey hailey, how was your day?" She smiled & got out of her car.
"Fine." I said holding back more tears.
"We got to go, Gianna! Thanks for watching Cierra. Bye!" She said quickly, knowing I was ready to burst.
"Okay, have fun! Love you! Be safe." Gianna said running up the steps.
Once we finally got a few miles away from civilization, which wasn't that far, I started crying again. Just the thought of my past & how badly I am scared, I couldn't hold it in. I knew it was right to tell Grace it was time someone knew. He hurt me & I was left behind with the memories for that tree house.
"Here we are!" She pulled into a grass field, she couldn't have been more excited.
"It is a field...Of grass...Lovely?" I kept waiting for her to say 'Just kidding' and back out of the place but she didn't.
"It is freedom, it is a safe place to express all those emotions. Say what you want, thank how you want. Nobody can judge you here, nobody can hurt you here." The more she said the more I understood. She wants me to go out there to say & do & express everything that I had bottled up from all those years of pain and neglect. I could run free & nobody could tell me I was doing anything wrong. I was in control of my fate here. I could be infinite.
"Thank you, I can't believe your kindness. Nobody would do anything like this for me. Thank you." I smiled with a tear running down my face.
"No tears. Not for being thankful. You are a beautiful, strong, young women & deserve a place to go to like this. I went here all through my life. I found it when I was 13, my dad was teaching me to drive & I drove all the way out here. I saw peace & love, in my darkest of days, I knew that I would be safe here. " She replied.
"Wow, thank you for sharing that. I can't believe it! Can I go?"
"Run! Skip! Be free! Hailey, just remember: Life is beautiful, the pain & tears are part of the crazy ride." She inspired me.
After my skipping & peaceful 3 hours we went to In & Out, got some dinner & she drove me back home. It was the best day I had in a loooooong time. I hadn't brought my phone with me, when we went for the ride, I wondered if anyone had tried to text me or anything. I ran up stairs & hopped on the bed. My phone was plugged into the wall, Gianna must have done it for me. I love her! I pressed the "home" button & checked my texts & calls first: two from Pilar & one text from Austin; then onto my email. I noticed the first few emails: Anonymous. I was scared at the sight of that word. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to read anymore but, I had to. I felt something pulling me in.... I began to read:
From: Anonymous
Subject: Lfe
Message: Hailey, I hope you realize that your lies are sad & gross. You need to
figure out your fucking life. If you have to lie in order to keep your
life interesting then, why live? Why are you taking up space in the
world just to lie & lie every day. I hope you know you are a real
bitch & no body loves you. You hurt so many people & they are
hurting right now just because of your lies. I hate you more than anyone
else in this fucking world. I hate your fucking smile & your
fucking lies. GET A LIFE!
From: Anonymous
Subject:You
Message: I have a perfect life, Hailey. I hope you don't. I know people
hate you and you are such a bitch for saying you are "blessed". How cute u think u
can stand up for yourself. Well you can't fucking do it. You are so
naive and stupid you need to figure out your fucking life. You suck and I
hope you die alone. STOP WATSING SPACE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. Get a life Hailey!!!
From the moment that I read the first sentence of the first email I was in tears. I couldn't believe that somebody would write these mean words to me. They weren't even confident enough to use their real name. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It hit me.... I was being cyber bullied. I wasn't sure what to do, I knew nobody who would be up and available to talk at 10pm. I suddenly remembered a friend of mine, Kristen. She was a really good advice giver & listener when I needed one, she was the last non-blood-related-person I ever trusted. I knew she would be up & would listen. I quickly exited the emails & went to text Kristen.
'Hey, Kristen sorry to bother you on the first day of Summer but I am freaking out. Text me back as soon as u can." I must have waited 3 hours, I stayed in my room worried to death. I closed all my windows & put a blanket over my head. Suddenly I heard it, 'tweet tweet', Kristen came through!
'Hey, you okay?'
'I just got this really mean anonymous email.'
'What'd it say?'
' Hailey, I hope you realize that your lies are sad & gross. You need to
figure out your fucking life. If you have to lie in order to keep your
life interesting then, why live? Why are you taking up space in the
world just to lie & lie every day. I hope you know you are a real
bitch & no body loves you. You hurt so many people & they are
hurting right now just because of your lies. I hate you more than anyone
else in this fucking world. I hate your fucking smile & your
fucking lies. GET A LIFE!'
'What the hell? who would say that?! That is so terriible'
'I have no idea :( really scared though'
'Do you know who would say that?'
'Not really. Maybe a few old friends?'
'No they wouldn't do that to you. Hailey, is there anybody else?'
Our texting went on for hours. Once, she managed to calm me down we said our good nights & went to bed. Well, at least she did, I couldn't go to sleep without waking up at every noise my phone made. I was scared to death & had no way of knowing what might come the next day.
Showing posts with label what..... Show all posts
Showing posts with label what..... Show all posts
12.26.2012
12.09.2012
What..... | Ch.6 part 1&2
Ch. 6 Part1&2 Sisters
Once Pilar and I had talked for almost two hours on the phone. She told me at the end of the conversation that she needed advice from me & help from me. I was really confused & surprised. I am usually the one who needs help & plus she is older. So, when she asked me for advice on her life I was honored & felt super special. We immediately planned a date & time to get together. I needed to see her anyway.
As light turned to dark after dinner, I decided to go inside and do a little journaling....
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven't been around lately I have been really busy with school & my wonderful boyfriend! I miss you more than you know. I really do enjoy writing down my feelings about my life & really during this time in my life. I have a lot of life things that I need to let out and tell someone who wont judge & hate on me & my thoughts. Tomorrow I am going to see Pilar for the first time in a LONG time! I am so excited & also really anxious. She has to tell me something & needs help. I hope I can help & please let her be ok. :) I am so tired so I will write again soon, I promise.
xo Hailey
I quickly got ready for bed and read a few chapters in my book, then hopped into bed & thought. I thought about a lot of things. Mostly how much I loved & adored Pilar for being there when I needed her. I thought so much about it, I had a flashback of the night I came home so anxious & excited. The night I met Austin. It was at a party for my friend & she had mentioned him before but, she never mentioned how cute & sweet he was. I introduced myself & soon realized that I really enjoyed his company. He was the sweetest, it was like we had known each other forever. :) I began to go into a day dream of him & I going on the perfect date. Then a snapped back into reality. I had to go home early sadly but, I got to dance with him; "Die Young" by Ke$ha. I felt so complete & loved. I went home that night anxious & excited to see him again. I called Pilar & we talked for hours about him. I was really falling hard, I needed to snap out of it and realize I needed to take it slowly.....
I finally went to bed.
The next morning, as I got ready for school, I got two texts from Pilar about meeting her after school for a "911" problem. I replied "That sounds great, sorry for all your troubles. I know it will all work out, sis. :) How about we meet at Starbucks at Lunch? I can get out of 6th period" She replied really fast this time: "YES!! OMG, thank you. I love you, hails!" I was overjoyed to see her again & the thought that I could help her even more...special me.
2nd period went by fast, all we did was have a quick class meeting about our projects & then we had the whole 2 hours to ourselves. I ended up talking with Josh for a little and then went back to my desk to write a little in my diary.
Dear Diary,
I can't wait to see Pilar, I hate the reason why we are meeting but I can't wait to see her again. I love her more than she knows. I hope that soon I can tell her about Payton. Today in homeroom, payton was there & she kept kicking me & whispering fake stories to the other people in the class, about me. I hate it. I wish that she could go away forever. I though my life was perfectly imperfect....then payton came along & killed it. Please, Diary. Do something to Payton Jokins.
xo Hailey.
I like knowing I have my diary to confide in when I feel as if no one understands me. I enjoy the thought of coming home to write in it. No body knows about it, & no body has to know. I just enjoy writing in my diary. I think that Pilar should start one. I also have one on my phone, it is very helpful for on-the-go writing.
After I went to talk to Pilar, I went home to a crazy household. My two older siblings were FINALLY home from college for the month & I was over excited to see them.
"Joshlyn!!!!! Pearson!!!!! Hey, I missed you guys!" I reached out for a big hug, like usual, but nothing.....not even a 'Hey!' back. I was disappointed. I walked over to the basement door, it was proped open & I could hear someone yelling.
"I told you to lock the door! What you couldn't get up put on a robe & lock the door? It would have taken 1 minute!!!"
"Your right, I wanted to stay in bed with you! Sorry for loving you."
"Oh honey, you and I both know that it not true, you are just too lazy!"
It hit me. My sister, Cierra, caught my parents. I always knew ever since Pilar told me about when she caught her parents, that it was only a matter of time. But, it really did suck that it was the little one. I was sure Joshlyn & Gianna were in my room comforting her & answering some pretty weird questions. I really wanted to help so I rushed up stairs to find them.
"So why was that happening?" Cierra's sweet naive voice filled the long hallway to my room.
"They love each other very much. You will understand it one day, sweetie." Joshlyn's caring voice filled my heart with glee! I ran down the hall & rushed into my room, to give Joshlyn a big & long hug.
"Hey, girlie! I've missed you!" She said
"I have missed you way more! I have lots to tell you, I also really need some advice."
"Okay, begin!!! I want to hear it all! What is up?"
"Private advice...." My eyes glanced over at Gianna & Cierra, hinting that it was confidential.
Joshlyn turned toward Cierra & Gianne, "Hey how about you two go down & find the gifts I brought back from the UK?! Okay?" She had to say it or else, they wouldn't have listened to me.
"YEAH! Let's go Gianna! I wanna presant!!" Cierra raced Gianna out the door. Joshlyn followed & shut the door.
"So what is wrong?? Is it about a boy? Mean girl? Puberty?" She kept guessing & I just had to interrupt & burst into tears. "Uh oh, is it that bad? Darling you can always call me? Why did you wait this long?"
"I couldn't tell you over the phone. I needed you here. I need you more than ever, now...." I began to spill everything Austin & I having sex, Payton, my anerexia, & my terrible secrets. She sat there with tears in her eyes, waiting for it all to be over. Se always was an emotional person but, when it came to us, her siblings, she hurt the most knowing we were hurting.
"Oh my love. I wish you told me sooner. Do you remember when you were in 7th grade & we went to get your first cell phone & told you that you could text me "911" anytime for anything, anytime? It still applies through my college & adult years!" She giggled & wiped both our tears.
" I know, I thought about texting you last week but, I couldn't help but feel guilty after writing up the message. I wish I could have hit send but, I just couldn't. I am sorry." We reached out & comforted each other.
"Don't be sorry, sis. I love you & sometimes you are crazy but, I know you are mine."
"Thanks, I just wish I told you sooner. I think that next time I will text you."
"Good idea. So my advice on all of this... If Austin is sweet enough to talk & love you the way you should be talked & loved to than he is a keeper. However, if you are having second thoughts you should definitely talk to him about it. He will understand & totally talk to you about it. Second, you need to tell mom about your sickness. She helped me through it & I think she is the best person to go to at this stage in it. You are too fragile to waste anymore time thinking about it. I can totally come with you to tell her, for support. Now about Payton, I had a girl like that in my life for a little while & I found it easiest to just ignore her. If it gets really bad ask your home room teacher to remove you or her from the class. It wont be easy but you will feel a lot more comfortable & at ease. Last, try not to keep your secrets to yourself if you can & feel comfortable tell mom, me or even Pilar. We are all here to help & love you. You should write in your journal and make it a daily thing." I felt over joyed & a lot more at ease with all my issues. Once Joshlyn put my pain to bed, I was super excited to spend the month with her. I felt so happy & lucky to have her.
Once Pilar and I had talked for almost two hours on the phone. She told me at the end of the conversation that she needed advice from me & help from me. I was really confused & surprised. I am usually the one who needs help & plus she is older. So, when she asked me for advice on her life I was honored & felt super special. We immediately planned a date & time to get together. I needed to see her anyway.
As light turned to dark after dinner, I decided to go inside and do a little journaling....
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven't been around lately I have been really busy with school & my wonderful boyfriend! I miss you more than you know. I really do enjoy writing down my feelings about my life & really during this time in my life. I have a lot of life things that I need to let out and tell someone who wont judge & hate on me & my thoughts. Tomorrow I am going to see Pilar for the first time in a LONG time! I am so excited & also really anxious. She has to tell me something & needs help. I hope I can help & please let her be ok. :) I am so tired so I will write again soon, I promise.
xo Hailey
I quickly got ready for bed and read a few chapters in my book, then hopped into bed & thought. I thought about a lot of things. Mostly how much I loved & adored Pilar for being there when I needed her. I thought so much about it, I had a flashback of the night I came home so anxious & excited. The night I met Austin. It was at a party for my friend & she had mentioned him before but, she never mentioned how cute & sweet he was. I introduced myself & soon realized that I really enjoyed his company. He was the sweetest, it was like we had known each other forever. :) I began to go into a day dream of him & I going on the perfect date. Then a snapped back into reality. I had to go home early sadly but, I got to dance with him; "Die Young" by Ke$ha. I felt so complete & loved. I went home that night anxious & excited to see him again. I called Pilar & we talked for hours about him. I was really falling hard, I needed to snap out of it and realize I needed to take it slowly.....
I finally went to bed.
The next morning, as I got ready for school, I got two texts from Pilar about meeting her after school for a "911" problem. I replied "That sounds great, sorry for all your troubles. I know it will all work out, sis. :) How about we meet at Starbucks at Lunch? I can get out of 6th period" She replied really fast this time: "YES!! OMG, thank you. I love you, hails!" I was overjoyed to see her again & the thought that I could help her even more...special me.
2nd period went by fast, all we did was have a quick class meeting about our projects & then we had the whole 2 hours to ourselves. I ended up talking with Josh for a little and then went back to my desk to write a little in my diary.
Dear Diary,
I can't wait to see Pilar, I hate the reason why we are meeting but I can't wait to see her again. I love her more than she knows. I hope that soon I can tell her about Payton. Today in homeroom, payton was there & she kept kicking me & whispering fake stories to the other people in the class, about me. I hate it. I wish that she could go away forever. I though my life was perfectly imperfect....then payton came along & killed it. Please, Diary. Do something to Payton Jokins.
xo Hailey.
I like knowing I have my diary to confide in when I feel as if no one understands me. I enjoy the thought of coming home to write in it. No body knows about it, & no body has to know. I just enjoy writing in my diary. I think that Pilar should start one. I also have one on my phone, it is very helpful for on-the-go writing.
After I went to talk to Pilar, I went home to a crazy household. My two older siblings were FINALLY home from college for the month & I was over excited to see them.
"Joshlyn!!!!! Pearson!!!!! Hey, I missed you guys!" I reached out for a big hug, like usual, but nothing.....not even a 'Hey!' back. I was disappointed. I walked over to the basement door, it was proped open & I could hear someone yelling.
"I told you to lock the door! What you couldn't get up put on a robe & lock the door? It would have taken 1 minute!!!"
"Your right, I wanted to stay in bed with you! Sorry for loving you."
"Oh honey, you and I both know that it not true, you are just too lazy!"
It hit me. My sister, Cierra, caught my parents. I always knew ever since Pilar told me about when she caught her parents, that it was only a matter of time. But, it really did suck that it was the little one. I was sure Joshlyn & Gianna were in my room comforting her & answering some pretty weird questions. I really wanted to help so I rushed up stairs to find them.
"So why was that happening?" Cierra's sweet naive voice filled the long hallway to my room.
"They love each other very much. You will understand it one day, sweetie." Joshlyn's caring voice filled my heart with glee! I ran down the hall & rushed into my room, to give Joshlyn a big & long hug.
"Hey, girlie! I've missed you!" She said
"I have missed you way more! I have lots to tell you, I also really need some advice."
"Okay, begin!!! I want to hear it all! What is up?"
"Private advice...." My eyes glanced over at Gianna & Cierra, hinting that it was confidential.
Joshlyn turned toward Cierra & Gianne, "Hey how about you two go down & find the gifts I brought back from the UK?! Okay?" She had to say it or else, they wouldn't have listened to me.
"YEAH! Let's go Gianna! I wanna presant!!" Cierra raced Gianna out the door. Joshlyn followed & shut the door.
"So what is wrong?? Is it about a boy? Mean girl? Puberty?" She kept guessing & I just had to interrupt & burst into tears. "Uh oh, is it that bad? Darling you can always call me? Why did you wait this long?"
"I couldn't tell you over the phone. I needed you here. I need you more than ever, now...." I began to spill everything Austin & I having sex, Payton, my anerexia, & my terrible secrets. She sat there with tears in her eyes, waiting for it all to be over. Se always was an emotional person but, when it came to us, her siblings, she hurt the most knowing we were hurting.
"Oh my love. I wish you told me sooner. Do you remember when you were in 7th grade & we went to get your first cell phone & told you that you could text me "911" anytime for anything, anytime? It still applies through my college & adult years!" She giggled & wiped both our tears.
" I know, I thought about texting you last week but, I couldn't help but feel guilty after writing up the message. I wish I could have hit send but, I just couldn't. I am sorry." We reached out & comforted each other.
"Don't be sorry, sis. I love you & sometimes you are crazy but, I know you are mine."
"Thanks, I just wish I told you sooner. I think that next time I will text you."
"Good idea. So my advice on all of this... If Austin is sweet enough to talk & love you the way you should be talked & loved to than he is a keeper. However, if you are having second thoughts you should definitely talk to him about it. He will understand & totally talk to you about it. Second, you need to tell mom about your sickness. She helped me through it & I think she is the best person to go to at this stage in it. You are too fragile to waste anymore time thinking about it. I can totally come with you to tell her, for support. Now about Payton, I had a girl like that in my life for a little while & I found it easiest to just ignore her. If it gets really bad ask your home room teacher to remove you or her from the class. It wont be easy but you will feel a lot more comfortable & at ease. Last, try not to keep your secrets to yourself if you can & feel comfortable tell mom, me or even Pilar. We are all here to help & love you. You should write in your journal and make it a daily thing." I felt over joyed & a lot more at ease with all my issues. Once Joshlyn put my pain to bed, I was super excited to spend the month with her. I felt so happy & lucky to have her.
12.03.2012
What.... | Ch.5 part 2
Ch. 5 Part 2 He will always be there
As I ran back to my house. I thought about how lucky I was to have Austin close & intimate with me. We had become a whole other person & another level relationship. I hoped it would stay this way forever. I knew things could but there was also a chance that they would change forever.
The next day was Sunday. My favorite, I have no homework & the whole day to relax and just be myself. I loved the feeling of nothing to rush to do & the whole day to just chill & be calm. That was soon to end.....
As I washed my dish from my delicious breakfast, I noticed my phone kept lighting up, as if I got tons of emails or texts. I decided it must have been urgent. Everyone know that I like to be alone on Sundays & just have a relaxed day. So, I walked over to my phone on the dinning room table. I clicked the home button I read, 'five missed calls, 15 new emails, & seven texts" I knew right then... something was up.
I quickly listened to two short voicemails & read 15 long emails with seven texts. They were all from the same person Pilar. Pilar is an old friend from high school, freshman year, she was my best friend, sister, & mother at times. She knows everything there is to know about me. We lost contact after she went off to college, last year. I still miss our email conversations & our fun times at the movies making fun of the bad actors. She had heard a rumour around town about Austin & I having sex. She was super concerned as to why I didn't tell her & what happened.
I decided since she had such urgency to call & email & text me that may times, I should probably call her back.
"Hey, Pilar! How are you? I have missed-"
"What is going on?!!! I heard from Ashly ho heard from Kayle that you and Austin had sex. What happened? Why didn't you email me about this?!"
"Nice to hear from you to. I am fine, thanks." I said sarcastically hoping she would get the hint. She didn't.
"How could you just not tell me? I really thought you would keep up the emails & texts."
"Sorry I have been busy. "
"Ya, with Austin!!!" She was getting really angry I could tell.
"Sorry, and no it was only the one time. I guess you want to now the details & stuff..."
"DUH! What happened?!"
"Well, we went out to the beach at sunrise & it was a perfect night. Nothing went wrong. Just the two of us having a great time. It was super intimate & blissful."
"Aw, Hailey!!!! That is great, and was he kind & respectful?"she said in her motherly voice.
"Yes, of course. And we are so chill & close now. We talk about things now. Personal things that we never did before."
"That is perfect!! Listen I have to go to practice but, I will call yu later & I expect more details, ok my love?"
"Definately! thanks for being so sweet. Not judging or anything." I said quietly.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, bye! Talk to you later."
"Ok, tell me later, love bug!!" as she hung up, I felt a relief rush over me.
A bunch of my friends had been bugging me about the whole sex thing. I was perfectly fine with answering their questions but when they ask about Austin & his person things. That is where I draw the line. After I refused to talk to them about it, they began to pick on me & really bug me about the whole situation.Austin was great & super comforting when I came to him in tears & depressed. But, I needed more than my boyfriend's love & comfort...
That night, before my phone call with Pilar, I cried. A lot. I just needed to feel close to someone again, & feel needed. I texted Kyley, my "sister", telling her we needed to meet up... FAST!
As I ran back to my house. I thought about how lucky I was to have Austin close & intimate with me. We had become a whole other person & another level relationship. I hoped it would stay this way forever. I knew things could but there was also a chance that they would change forever.
The next day was Sunday. My favorite, I have no homework & the whole day to relax and just be myself. I loved the feeling of nothing to rush to do & the whole day to just chill & be calm. That was soon to end.....
As I washed my dish from my delicious breakfast, I noticed my phone kept lighting up, as if I got tons of emails or texts. I decided it must have been urgent. Everyone know that I like to be alone on Sundays & just have a relaxed day. So, I walked over to my phone on the dinning room table. I clicked the home button I read, 'five missed calls, 15 new emails, & seven texts" I knew right then... something was up.
I quickly listened to two short voicemails & read 15 long emails with seven texts. They were all from the same person Pilar. Pilar is an old friend from high school, freshman year, she was my best friend, sister, & mother at times. She knows everything there is to know about me. We lost contact after she went off to college, last year. I still miss our email conversations & our fun times at the movies making fun of the bad actors. She had heard a rumour around town about Austin & I having sex. She was super concerned as to why I didn't tell her & what happened.
I decided since she had such urgency to call & email & text me that may times, I should probably call her back.
"Hey, Pilar! How are you? I have missed-"
"What is going on?!!! I heard from Ashly ho heard from Kayle that you and Austin had sex. What happened? Why didn't you email me about this?!"
"Nice to hear from you to. I am fine, thanks." I said sarcastically hoping she would get the hint. She didn't.
"How could you just not tell me? I really thought you would keep up the emails & texts."
"Sorry I have been busy. "
"Ya, with Austin!!!" She was getting really angry I could tell.
"Sorry, and no it was only the one time. I guess you want to now the details & stuff..."
"DUH! What happened?!"
"Well, we went out to the beach at sunrise & it was a perfect night. Nothing went wrong. Just the two of us having a great time. It was super intimate & blissful."
"Aw, Hailey!!!! That is great, and was he kind & respectful?"she said in her motherly voice.
"Yes, of course. And we are so chill & close now. We talk about things now. Personal things that we never did before."
"That is perfect!! Listen I have to go to practice but, I will call yu later & I expect more details, ok my love?"
"Definately! thanks for being so sweet. Not judging or anything." I said quietly.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, bye! Talk to you later."
"Ok, tell me later, love bug!!" as she hung up, I felt a relief rush over me.
A bunch of my friends had been bugging me about the whole sex thing. I was perfectly fine with answering their questions but when they ask about Austin & his person things. That is where I draw the line. After I refused to talk to them about it, they began to pick on me & really bug me about the whole situation.Austin was great & super comforting when I came to him in tears & depressed. But, I needed more than my boyfriend's love & comfort...
That night, before my phone call with Pilar, I cried. A lot. I just needed to feel close to someone again, & feel needed. I texted Kyley, my "sister", telling her we needed to meet up... FAST!
9.29.2012
What.... | Ch.5 part 1
Ch. 5 Part 1 He will always be there
"Sorry, I have to go but, I will call you tomorrow?" Austin said.
"It okay, Yes call me! I am glad we can communicate about this stuff & what happened."
"I love you, can not wait to chat tomorrow." he sounded as if he was smiling and could not stop.
"I love you too, talk later"
I really was excited that him and i could communicate about that night. We both agree it was beautiful & amazing but, on the other side we agree we should not do it again for a while. I wish he could stay over every night; not to have sex but, to cuddle & laugh. I know he will always be there for me. Austin told me himself about 5 times a day. I loved his commitment to our relationship. If I was not confident in his love or devotion before, I sure am now!
I spent all day either on the phone with Austin or thinking whether or not to tell my friends and/or Gianna. I knew i could trust them it was just a factor of whether or not I really wanted them to know about that night. I thought of every pro & con I could. I still had not decided & it was 1:23 am. I was so tired my eyes were barely open.
I finally fell asleep at 4am, still no decision had been made. I knew i wanted to tell someone but, who? I wasn't sure if Melissa would think I was a terrible person because I didn't follow her advice & my promise. I knew Gianna would have the least amount of interest in it. She was too wrapped up in her little world of "pain". I thought twice about telling Kelsie. She had not part in my decision at all. I knew Kels would not tell anyone or judge, she just wanted to hear the latest news on the favorite couple at school. She would not ask any questions or anything just hearing that Austin & I did the deed was enough for her little heart. All my other friends were very judgmental and depressed in some way or another. {They just had issues, not even sure I should consider them my friends....}
The next morning I woke up at 6am with only 2 hours of sleep. I was always up at this time, since I can remember, getting ready for my run & morning yoga on the hill with Carrie. That morning........ it was different I laid in bed for about 20 minutes just sitting there.....nothing to say or think about. I was glad that Carrie finally text me to remind me we had an extra hour to do yoga and extra 30 minutes to run. I finally hopped up and out of bed ate my banana & drank my fruit smoothie. I began walking to our meeting place across the street from my house. {Carrie only lived three houses down from me} I was walking slowly to take everything in; the sun rise, the beautiful birds chirping....everything! I quickly called Austin & said I loved him & that we should meet after my workout at Starbucks. He joyfully agreed & hung up, but not before our good bye's & I love you's. I could not believe he answered, I felt safe & comforted by the thought of his love surrounding me everyday, all day.
"Sorry, I have to go but, I will call you tomorrow?" Austin said.
"It okay, Yes call me! I am glad we can communicate about this stuff & what happened."
"I love you, can not wait to chat tomorrow." he sounded as if he was smiling and could not stop.
"I love you too, talk later"
I really was excited that him and i could communicate about that night. We both agree it was beautiful & amazing but, on the other side we agree we should not do it again for a while. I wish he could stay over every night; not to have sex but, to cuddle & laugh. I know he will always be there for me. Austin told me himself about 5 times a day. I loved his commitment to our relationship. If I was not confident in his love or devotion before, I sure am now!
I spent all day either on the phone with Austin or thinking whether or not to tell my friends and/or Gianna. I knew i could trust them it was just a factor of whether or not I really wanted them to know about that night. I thought of every pro & con I could. I still had not decided & it was 1:23 am. I was so tired my eyes were barely open.
I finally fell asleep at 4am, still no decision had been made. I knew i wanted to tell someone but, who? I wasn't sure if Melissa would think I was a terrible person because I didn't follow her advice & my promise. I knew Gianna would have the least amount of interest in it. She was too wrapped up in her little world of "pain". I thought twice about telling Kelsie. She had not part in my decision at all. I knew Kels would not tell anyone or judge, she just wanted to hear the latest news on the favorite couple at school. She would not ask any questions or anything just hearing that Austin & I did the deed was enough for her little heart. All my other friends were very judgmental and depressed in some way or another. {They just had issues, not even sure I should consider them my friends....}
The next morning I woke up at 6am with only 2 hours of sleep. I was always up at this time, since I can remember, getting ready for my run & morning yoga on the hill with Carrie. That morning........ it was different I laid in bed for about 20 minutes just sitting there.....nothing to say or think about. I was glad that Carrie finally text me to remind me we had an extra hour to do yoga and extra 30 minutes to run. I finally hopped up and out of bed ate my banana & drank my fruit smoothie. I began walking to our meeting place across the street from my house. {Carrie only lived three houses down from me} I was walking slowly to take everything in; the sun rise, the beautiful birds chirping....everything! I quickly called Austin & said I loved him & that we should meet after my workout at Starbucks. He joyfully agreed & hung up, but not before our good bye's & I love you's. I could not believe he answered, I felt safe & comforted by the thought of his love surrounding me everyday, all day.
9.21.2012
What.... | Ch. 4 Part 2
Ch.4 Part. 2 Dear Diary
Once I got home I was beaming. It was an amazing date, I will never forget. Austin was perfect; we were going to the happiest couple in the world! At least that is what I thought.......
I walked into the kitchen to grab an apple & water before going up to my bed. There she was....asleep, quiet, lonely, & depressed Gianna. Gianna is my older sister, she had just gotten out of a relationship that she believed would last forever. {He broke up with her over some stupid fight about bananas.} It made no sense to me, at all. She was still wallowing in self pity. My family decided it was good for her to have this "down time", we called it.
Usually she ould make it to the couch before passing out but, not his time. She was there, lying on the kitchen floor, covered in chips & cheeze-its. I began to wonder if Austin & I might, one day, break up. I knew we always said "forever & always" but, you never know...
"Gianna! Get up, it is 9 o'clock, you have to get up & go to your room! Cierra will be up soon! GET UP!!!"
"What! Did Jake call?!! OMG! Hello, why didn't you wake me up, sooner!!" She grabbed the phone and yelled into it, as if Jake was on the other end, "Hello, Jake?!"
"No body called, you need to get up! Cierra will be up soon!! GO!"
"Oh right, Sorry!!" She yelled as she ran up the kitchen stairs to her room.
Cierrais our little sister, she is 12 ans very young-minded for her age. She should know all about her body & emotional changes by now. We keep her on a tight lock down, as you can tell: Private school, no sleepovers, & no boys! We always told her that Gianna was sick and had the flu. That she couldn't see her during this time.
I thought it was useless because, she always went to me or our other sister, Kasey B. She just felt more comfortable talking to Kasey B. & I about why certain girls wear such revealing clothes around school. Kasey B. & I never really asked Gianna about anything. It was always mom we would run to.
Once i got up to my room, in stormed my mom, worried about me like I was kidnapped or murdered. She looked at me like a new born child.
"Hailey, are you okay? How was the date? Why are you so smiley!?" she said frantically.
"I am fine, the date was amazing & I had a lot of fun" I paused and looked up as I was unpacking my bag. Mom looked at me as if she knew I was hiding something from her, "Well, you promise you wont flip out or go crazy over this little piece of happiness for me?"
She sat like a dog ready for its treat. "Yes! Tell me sweet heart, what happened?"
"Well, the night was beautiful & the beach was magnificent. I love the movie we went to see, a good comedy....." I proceeded to tell my mom about the WHOLE night, in great detail.
"um....wow, darling are you okay? Was he nice? Not forceful?"
"Yes, mom he was great & such a sweet guy. I am fine. You're not mad?"
"Um... I need time to process this. Okay, honey?"
"Yeah sure..."
After she left the room, I sat there in the room worried & anixous. I was never sure if my mom would tell my dad or all her "closest" friends about it. I was always left with a weird saying like, I need time to process this.... It just drove me nuts thinking about what was going to happen next. Who was going to randomly text me & ask me exactly what happened & with who.
Twenty minutes later, what felt like two hours, my mom came back into tell me what she was going "to do about it". Like it was some big deathly thing, that I may die if not treated soon.
"Honey, I want you to go to see a therapist. She is really good & I want you to get tested & did you use protection?"
"Yes, mom i did. But, I don't understand why you are saying I should go to a therapist."
"I know you don't understand right now but, I want you to be safe & have a person to talk to. I know you love talking to me & Kasey B. about your personal things but, I think you need to see a professional. Also, before you go I want you to start a diary."
"This is so weird, mom. You just are concered about the little things & I am okay. Nothing bad happened. Austin is an amazing guy & I love him. I wanted this. I will start a diary but, I am not set on the therapist, yet."
"I know sweety but, I want you to do this for a while. Until, you get back on track.", like i had gotten off track. I had sex, I didn't do drugs or get into a fight at school.
", I know you don't understand my reasoning and I get that but, I want you to try it my way before you go on with your life. You need to figure out what this means & how you really feel about it. Listen, I have to go & take Abby to her play date & then I have a meeting with Ceirra's Gymnastics teacher. While, I ma gone I want you to start your diary. Okay? I love you!"
"Love you too, bye."
I sat there in disbelief. Of everything. I was concerned my mother had lost it & I knew she was not giving up on this therapist thing. So the only way to possibly get it out of her mind was to start this Diary thing......yippy....
Dear Diary,
I have no idea why i am writing this. I had sex & my mother is very certain that I have some kind of a problem. I guess this may be helpful in getting some of those bad days out of my mind. I know how I feel about some days & I think it would be good to write it out & express how I feel besides blurting it all out to my boy friend in History.
I guess I am here for the long/short hall. I will write again soon, maybe...
love? hugs? bye?
Hailey Joyson
My diary life began.......
Once I got home I was beaming. It was an amazing date, I will never forget. Austin was perfect; we were going to the happiest couple in the world! At least that is what I thought.......
I walked into the kitchen to grab an apple & water before going up to my bed. There she was....asleep, quiet, lonely, & depressed Gianna. Gianna is my older sister, she had just gotten out of a relationship that she believed would last forever. {He broke up with her over some stupid fight about bananas.} It made no sense to me, at all. She was still wallowing in self pity. My family decided it was good for her to have this "down time", we called it.
Usually she ould make it to the couch before passing out but, not his time. She was there, lying on the kitchen floor, covered in chips & cheeze-its. I began to wonder if Austin & I might, one day, break up. I knew we always said "forever & always" but, you never know...
"Gianna! Get up, it is 9 o'clock, you have to get up & go to your room! Cierra will be up soon! GET UP!!!"
"What! Did Jake call?!! OMG! Hello, why didn't you wake me up, sooner!!" She grabbed the phone and yelled into it, as if Jake was on the other end, "Hello, Jake?!"
"No body called, you need to get up! Cierra will be up soon!! GO!"
"Oh right, Sorry!!" She yelled as she ran up the kitchen stairs to her room.
Cierrais our little sister, she is 12 ans very young-minded for her age. She should know all about her body & emotional changes by now. We keep her on a tight lock down, as you can tell: Private school, no sleepovers, & no boys! We always told her that Gianna was sick and had the flu. That she couldn't see her during this time.
I thought it was useless because, she always went to me or our other sister, Kasey B. She just felt more comfortable talking to Kasey B. & I about why certain girls wear such revealing clothes around school. Kasey B. & I never really asked Gianna about anything. It was always mom we would run to.
Once i got up to my room, in stormed my mom, worried about me like I was kidnapped or murdered. She looked at me like a new born child.
"Hailey, are you okay? How was the date? Why are you so smiley!?" she said frantically.
"I am fine, the date was amazing & I had a lot of fun" I paused and looked up as I was unpacking my bag. Mom looked at me as if she knew I was hiding something from her, "Well, you promise you wont flip out or go crazy over this little piece of happiness for me?"
She sat like a dog ready for its treat. "Yes! Tell me sweet heart, what happened?"
"Well, the night was beautiful & the beach was magnificent. I love the movie we went to see, a good comedy....." I proceeded to tell my mom about the WHOLE night, in great detail.
"um....wow, darling are you okay? Was he nice? Not forceful?"
"Yes, mom he was great & such a sweet guy. I am fine. You're not mad?"
"Um... I need time to process this. Okay, honey?"
"Yeah sure..."
After she left the room, I sat there in the room worried & anixous. I was never sure if my mom would tell my dad or all her "closest" friends about it. I was always left with a weird saying like, I need time to process this.... It just drove me nuts thinking about what was going to happen next. Who was going to randomly text me & ask me exactly what happened & with who.
Twenty minutes later, what felt like two hours, my mom came back into tell me what she was going "to do about it". Like it was some big deathly thing, that I may die if not treated soon.
"Honey, I want you to go to see a therapist. She is really good & I want you to get tested & did you use protection?"
"Yes, mom i did. But, I don't understand why you are saying I should go to a therapist."
"I know you don't understand right now but, I want you to be safe & have a person to talk to. I know you love talking to me & Kasey B. about your personal things but, I think you need to see a professional. Also, before you go I want you to start a diary."
"This is so weird, mom. You just are concered about the little things & I am okay. Nothing bad happened. Austin is an amazing guy & I love him. I wanted this. I will start a diary but, I am not set on the therapist, yet."
"I know sweety but, I want you to do this for a while. Until, you get back on track.", like i had gotten off track. I had sex, I didn't do drugs or get into a fight at school.
", I know you don't understand my reasoning and I get that but, I want you to try it my way before you go on with your life. You need to figure out what this means & how you really feel about it. Listen, I have to go & take Abby to her play date & then I have a meeting with Ceirra's Gymnastics teacher. While, I ma gone I want you to start your diary. Okay? I love you!"
"Love you too, bye."
I sat there in disbelief. Of everything. I was concerned my mother had lost it & I knew she was not giving up on this therapist thing. So the only way to possibly get it out of her mind was to start this Diary thing......yippy....
Dear Diary,
I have no idea why i am writing this. I had sex & my mother is very certain that I have some kind of a problem. I guess this may be helpful in getting some of those bad days out of my mind. I know how I feel about some days & I think it would be good to write it out & express how I feel besides blurting it all out to my boy friend in History.
I guess I am here for the long/short hall. I will write again soon, maybe...
love? hugs? bye?
Hailey Joyson
My diary life began.......
9.17.2012
What... | Ch.4 part 1
{Ch.4 Part 1 Dear Diary}
The drive back was so peaceful and fun. We pent the whole time laughing and making jokes. "Austin we just passed the cutest little farmhouse! Go bacl, we should take a photo there." "Yeah, sounds good! Let me turn around a pull over." I was surprised he even replied let alone said yes.
We pulled over and ran across the street. I set up the camera on and old tractor. As I ran to the camera, I began to picture him & I living there and having a family with some dogs & chickens. It all became so real.
"I love you, sugarplum." Austin was still caught up in the events of the early morning. We kissed, a magical kiss, as the camera went off. We had the perfect shot.
"Let me look, I bet it is beautiful!" I yelled as I ran to check the camera I quickly peeked at Austin petting a little kitten on the front porch. "It is great, I love it!" Austin began to walk back to the tractor, "I knew it would. You are an amazing photographer."
"All I had to do was set the timer & press a button." "I know however, you did it so gracefully." "Aw, thanks big bear."
We skipped back to the old truck, holding hands. I was feeling incredibly happy. We were on my dream date.
I hate how in class they ask you what your dream date is and you have not a clue what to say. However, when you are on your dream date, you just know it!
9.16.2012
What.. CH.3 Part.2
It was like I was watching myself from the backseat, I felt outside of my body & I knew we would last forever. "That was the most.....um....wow...." trying to find the right words Austin interupted, "Incredible, amazing, beautiful, WOW. I knew it would be great but that was.....Joyful." It was comforting to know that he was feeling the same way. I loved him, he loved me....we loved that kiss. We couldn't deny there was....is beauty in the relationship.
After the kiss we sat in car just smiling & glowing in the car. We couldn't wait to see what the rest of the morning brought us. I was so excited, by that time sex was off my mind, I just wanted him to kiss & hug me forever. I was ready to run away with him & just be alone in the world forever. He made my world beautiful....I had lived by the qoute: " Don't choose the one who is beautiful to the world but rather choose the one that makes your world beautiful." That is exactly what Austin did.
"I was thinking that we should go for a swim & watch the sun rise. I think it will be beautiful." Austin was ready for swimming & enjoying the rest of the night & having the time of his life.
"That sounds like...perfection. You are so sweet."
"I just know you will love it......you are perfect."
As we stood there in our swim suits ready for the plug into the cold water, austin glanced over and whispered in my ear.
"I am ready." I was suddenly frozen, he was ready & I was standing there unsure of what to say & do. I was ready to run to the car & call Melissa. I knew i couldn't because that would ruin the moment & beauty of the situation. I opened my mouth ready to say something but, nothing came out. It was silent....
"Me too."
We stood there ready for the cold water to rush all over our bodies & surround us with the warmth of our love.
"I love you, Hailey."
"I love you, Austin." The beauty of the sun rise & the love in the river was magical. We felt alone in a river of love. We could do or say anything our little minds desired. I was amazed at the quietness of it all.
We laid on the beach covered in blinkets & surrounded by pillows. We stared at the river. It was like it knew something magical happened in it that morning.
"We can't tell...I am sorry."
"I was thinking the same thing, I don't want to have any drama or gossip happening at school or in town."
"That was incredible." I was struck by the fact that after he said that, I was ready for him to say more.
We sat there all comfy & warm for, what felt like, hours. Nothing to say & nothing to worry about. In the back of our minds we were both thinking about the sad reality of it all, we soon had to pack up & leave.
After the kiss we sat in car just smiling & glowing in the car. We couldn't wait to see what the rest of the morning brought us. I was so excited, by that time sex was off my mind, I just wanted him to kiss & hug me forever. I was ready to run away with him & just be alone in the world forever. He made my world beautiful....I had lived by the qoute: " Don't choose the one who is beautiful to the world but rather choose the one that makes your world beautiful." That is exactly what Austin did.
"I was thinking that we should go for a swim & watch the sun rise. I think it will be beautiful." Austin was ready for swimming & enjoying the rest of the night & having the time of his life.
"That sounds like...perfection. You are so sweet."
"I just know you will love it......you are perfect."
As we stood there in our swim suits ready for the plug into the cold water, austin glanced over and whispered in my ear.
"I am ready." I was suddenly frozen, he was ready & I was standing there unsure of what to say & do. I was ready to run to the car & call Melissa. I knew i couldn't because that would ruin the moment & beauty of the situation. I opened my mouth ready to say something but, nothing came out. It was silent....
"Me too."
We stood there ready for the cold water to rush all over our bodies & surround us with the warmth of our love.
"I love you, Hailey."
"I love you, Austin." The beauty of the sun rise & the love in the river was magical. We felt alone in a river of love. We could do or say anything our little minds desired. I was amazed at the quietness of it all.
We laid on the beach covered in blinkets & surrounded by pillows. We stared at the river. It was like it knew something magical happened in it that morning.
"We can't tell...I am sorry."
"I was thinking the same thing, I don't want to have any drama or gossip happening at school or in town."
"That was incredible." I was struck by the fact that after he said that, I was ready for him to say more.
We sat there all comfy & warm for, what felt like, hours. Nothing to say & nothing to worry about. In the back of our minds we were both thinking about the sad reality of it all, we soon had to pack up & leave.
9.08.2012
What... | CH.3 Part.1
CH.3 love
"Look into my eyes and tell me what you see." Austin was a very poetic person. He enjoyed writing and explaining things in very discriptive & beautiful ways. So when he was asking me qeustins like this, it was no surprise that he was ready to go all Shakespear on me.
"A glow with a tint of blue."
"I look into your eyes and see passion, joy, and love. Hailey, I love you."
Austin and I had never said that to each other. It had seemed like the perfect moment; sunrise on the beahc & inside the same car he asked me to be his girl friend in. I loved him, however I was unsure about where this relationship was going in 2 years, let alone what was happening tonight.
"I love you." In that instant. I felt my twenty seconds of insane courage.
Our eyes met and BAM! FIREWORKS!! The sweetness of his lips with the taste o his coconut chapstick was an amazing feeling.
In that moment we were infinite.
"Look into my eyes and tell me what you see." Austin was a very poetic person. He enjoyed writing and explaining things in very discriptive & beautiful ways. So when he was asking me qeustins like this, it was no surprise that he was ready to go all Shakespear on me.
"A glow with a tint of blue."
"I look into your eyes and see passion, joy, and love. Hailey, I love you."
Austin and I had never said that to each other. It had seemed like the perfect moment; sunrise on the beahc & inside the same car he asked me to be his girl friend in. I loved him, however I was unsure about where this relationship was going in 2 years, let alone what was happening tonight.
"I love you." In that instant. I felt my twenty seconds of insane courage.
Our eyes met and BAM! FIREWORKS!! The sweetness of his lips with the taste o his coconut chapstick was an amazing feeling.
In that moment we were infinite.
9.07.2012
What.... | CH.2 part 1
Sex {CH. 2 part.1}
{2 Months ealier}
"...go ahead & say it. It isn't a dirty word." Kelsey yelled from across home room.
"Why would you do that in the first place if you were just horny go and meditate. That is what helps me!" Josh said as he pushed aside the geek in the corner.
We all rushed to our seats as Ms.Joshlyn came into the room. Kelsey quickly changed the subject & ran to her best friend, Jess.
High school was filled with tons of surprises. Even on the first day of school, you are immediately hit with a tons of new responsibilities and new people. Some good & some bad, you just have to choose the right. Everyday you are faced with new decisions & new temptations.
Austin was the one guy I knew who wouldn't even think to touch me. Sure we had been dating for, like, ever! However, we made promises to each other & God. {besides the fact that his father was head of the church in our town.} We never touched anywhere that might be sexual.
Austin & I planned on going out this weekend. I was so excited it was our first official date. We had only gone on groups dates for the two years we dated until his dad was positive I wasn't going to pull any sexual or other wise, inappropriate actions. I really did enjoy hanging out with my boy friend. He was the only other person I trusted with my life, besides Melissa. I wished we could have nights under the stars alone without his dad calling every two minutes to make sure we were with a crowd.
We planned on going to the drive through and then to the beach for a walk & maybe even a sleepover. Of course Austin wasn't going to do anything bad, so my parents totally trusted him & I, being alone.
I had one night to prepare for what MAY or MAY NOT be the biggest night of my life. I knew we wouldn't have sex but, I was tempted and I knew his friends had mentioned it to him. He was always asking before he kissed me, to make sure if it was ok. He was so sweet, sometimes a little too sweet. Austin was the kind of guy everyone thought was perfect & nothing bad ever happened to him. He was the most popular guy in the school, all four years he had been there.
Hot guys are good however, it is better to have a hot guy with a heart.
{2 Months ealier}
"...go ahead & say it. It isn't a dirty word." Kelsey yelled from across home room.
"Why would you do that in the first place if you were just horny go and meditate. That is what helps me!" Josh said as he pushed aside the geek in the corner.
We all rushed to our seats as Ms.Joshlyn came into the room. Kelsey quickly changed the subject & ran to her best friend, Jess.
High school was filled with tons of surprises. Even on the first day of school, you are immediately hit with a tons of new responsibilities and new people. Some good & some bad, you just have to choose the right. Everyday you are faced with new decisions & new temptations.
Austin was the one guy I knew who wouldn't even think to touch me. Sure we had been dating for, like, ever! However, we made promises to each other & God. {besides the fact that his father was head of the church in our town.} We never touched anywhere that might be sexual.
Austin & I planned on going out this weekend. I was so excited it was our first official date. We had only gone on groups dates for the two years we dated until his dad was positive I wasn't going to pull any sexual or other wise, inappropriate actions. I really did enjoy hanging out with my boy friend. He was the only other person I trusted with my life, besides Melissa. I wished we could have nights under the stars alone without his dad calling every two minutes to make sure we were with a crowd.
We planned on going to the drive through and then to the beach for a walk & maybe even a sleepover. Of course Austin wasn't going to do anything bad, so my parents totally trusted him & I, being alone.
I had one night to prepare for what MAY or MAY NOT be the biggest night of my life. I knew we wouldn't have sex but, I was tempted and I knew his friends had mentioned it to him. He was always asking before he kissed me, to make sure if it was ok. He was so sweet, sometimes a little too sweet. Austin was the kind of guy everyone thought was perfect & nothing bad ever happened to him. He was the most popular guy in the school, all four years he had been there.
Hot guys are good however, it is better to have a hot guy with a heart.
9.04.2012
What.... {Ch.1 Part 2}
I knew that i needed to leave for a while & just go away. I was wishing someone would come & yell at me that this was a bad idea & to come back to my friends & family. As I sat there in the car, waiting for a sign to show me that I had to go or that I had to stay. If I could I would call Melissa & make her come down here just to tell me exactly what to do.
Melissa always knew what was the right choose. I needed her by my side at all times. I wished she was two inches tall and I could carry her around forever. We both needed each other & we knew it.
I finally decided to go. I hit the road & lost my old life. Or that is what I thought. I knew that things had to change & I needed new people, new faces. I had to see everything in a new light & have new experiences. Life was changing & happening in front of my eyes.
Driving in the dark was not my favorite thing. I really hated it. I knew that I was going nowhere fast & needed to find a Motel or any place to stay. I was driving for hours & couldn't find any other car or anything in this stupid little town.
I was tired & slowly drifting off. The signs began to become a colored blurr. My eyes started to close & slowly I drifted off into my dream world. My mind was somewhere else, totally different. I dreamt I was in a world of beauty & love. I wanted to stay, but knew I needed to open my eyes & watch the road. As I slowly opened my eyes, still all I saw was the blurred colors & lights, I quickly realized I was on an ending road.
I tried to think of the first thing I needed to do in this situation. My dad taught me all I knew about driving & these kinds of emergancies. Wishing I could remeber anything, at all, as to what to do in the case of driving of a cliff. It drew closer & I was so scared & then...
{The chapters will be written in parts [just two each] & I will write a chapter a week. I will try & keep up with it. :) the little "quotes" or "sayings" at the end of part 1s will not be included in the real book [once i type it]. I hope you enjoy the book!!!}
Melissa always knew what was the right choose. I needed her by my side at all times. I wished she was two inches tall and I could carry her around forever. We both needed each other & we knew it.
I finally decided to go. I hit the road & lost my old life. Or that is what I thought. I knew that things had to change & I needed new people, new faces. I had to see everything in a new light & have new experiences. Life was changing & happening in front of my eyes.
Driving in the dark was not my favorite thing. I really hated it. I knew that I was going nowhere fast & needed to find a Motel or any place to stay. I was driving for hours & couldn't find any other car or anything in this stupid little town.
I was tired & slowly drifting off. The signs began to become a colored blurr. My eyes started to close & slowly I drifted off into my dream world. My mind was somewhere else, totally different. I dreamt I was in a world of beauty & love. I wanted to stay, but knew I needed to open my eyes & watch the road. As I slowly opened my eyes, still all I saw was the blurred colors & lights, I quickly realized I was on an ending road.
I tried to think of the first thing I needed to do in this situation. My dad taught me all I knew about driving & these kinds of emergancies. Wishing I could remeber anything, at all, as to what to do in the case of driving of a cliff. It drew closer & I was so scared & then...
{The chapters will be written in parts [just two each] & I will write a chapter a week. I will try & keep up with it. :) the little "quotes" or "sayings" at the end of part 1s will not be included in the real book [once i type it]. I hope you enjoy the book!!!}
8.27.2012
What.... Ch. 1
Ch.1 Hailey... Are you there? {part 1}
I didn't know where I was. I was unsure about everything. Nothing came clear to me. It was all a blurr. I couldn't tell anybody what was happening, they all would hate me afterwards. I knew I had to do something, something big & fast. Before all of this came back to haunt me.
As the thunder hit the ground I stood above her grave. She had only been gone a month now, it seemed so easy... Just take a few pills and BAM your whole life, gone. In one instant I was stand above a dug up grave and the next I was in it. I could feel her cold body behind mine. It feel so free and so easy. Just to give up and go to a place with everything happy and good. You are whole life would be erased and just gone, forever.
After that summer it had seemed like it was the only way to finish & end all the drama I had started.
"Hailey? Is that you?....." I heard a voice.
I couldn't make out who it was but, if it was someone trying to look for me it probably was Melissa. The only person who even knew the whole truth. Everything I did that summer was all a blurr to me but, to her it was crystal clear.
As the anonymous person grew closer the silhouette became more & more obvious. I knew as soon as they began to yell, "I need your advice. Please come back!!" it wasn't Melissa. She would never come looking for me just to get advice and not ask any questions about what I was doing.
I immediately though of the one person who it would be : Josie. Josie was the kind of girl who if you were not at school for a month would not even think to ask you where you were & if you were okay. She would just ask you if you had the notes from yesterday's Bio class. Josie never really cared about anyone besides herself.
As I pressed my back further and further into the grave, I tried to hide and not make a sound. As Josie came closer, I could feel her getting even more anxious with every step. Her heart pounding and by the time she was two fees away I could hear her breathing.
After ten minutes of dead silence she left. She wasn't one of those girl who would wait for hours just together advice on her shoes for prom. I was really happy she left. I didn't wan anyone there to see me like that. Covered in dirt & sweat, from digging the grave for hours. I had been crying for about 2hours until I finally realized that she was gone, it doesn't matter. She is a vegetable, never to be seen or talked to never, ever again.
Life sucks , so does a lollipop......
I didn't know where I was. I was unsure about everything. Nothing came clear to me. It was all a blurr. I couldn't tell anybody what was happening, they all would hate me afterwards. I knew I had to do something, something big & fast. Before all of this came back to haunt me.
As the thunder hit the ground I stood above her grave. She had only been gone a month now, it seemed so easy... Just take a few pills and BAM your whole life, gone. In one instant I was stand above a dug up grave and the next I was in it. I could feel her cold body behind mine. It feel so free and so easy. Just to give up and go to a place with everything happy and good. You are whole life would be erased and just gone, forever.
After that summer it had seemed like it was the only way to finish & end all the drama I had started.
"Hailey? Is that you?....." I heard a voice.
I couldn't make out who it was but, if it was someone trying to look for me it probably was Melissa. The only person who even knew the whole truth. Everything I did that summer was all a blurr to me but, to her it was crystal clear.
As the anonymous person grew closer the silhouette became more & more obvious. I knew as soon as they began to yell, "I need your advice. Please come back!!" it wasn't Melissa. She would never come looking for me just to get advice and not ask any questions about what I was doing.
I immediately though of the one person who it would be : Josie. Josie was the kind of girl who if you were not at school for a month would not even think to ask you where you were & if you were okay. She would just ask you if you had the notes from yesterday's Bio class. Josie never really cared about anyone besides herself.
As I pressed my back further and further into the grave, I tried to hide and not make a sound. As Josie came closer, I could feel her getting even more anxious with every step. Her heart pounding and by the time she was two fees away I could hear her breathing.
After ten minutes of dead silence she left. She wasn't one of those girl who would wait for hours just together advice on her shoes for prom. I was really happy she left. I didn't wan anyone there to see me like that. Covered in dirt & sweat, from digging the grave for hours. I had been crying for about 2hours until I finally realized that she was gone, it doesn't matter. She is a vegetable, never to be seen or talked to never, ever again.
Life sucks , so does a lollipop......
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