when youre ready to give up . personal

when you are up late at night ready to give up and just don't see the light anymore. just remember that i am here for you. forget the past of us, forget what we ever fought about, forget that i don't even know you, forget what i am going through. i am here for you and i am not going anywhere until you feel loved, special, & WANTED. i know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel so alone and only the dark of the night is there to make you feel even worse. you are just about to cry because this all makes so much sense and it all hurts because the heavier your heart is you harder it is to put it all into words. once things start piling on, you get buried. you can't even look in the mirror anymore and see yourself. soon you forget who you are. you forget what even started this. you forget why you lie to your friends and say everything is okay. you forget the little pieces of yourself that you used to love and know so well. you realize no one is there for you anymore. or you just don't want to burden them with your pain while they have their own pain and problems to deal with. they say they will be there when really they wont. it hurts so much to be alone that the tears come easy. you don't even think about it before they start streaming down your beautiful cheeks. the night drags on and all you have to be hopeful of is a brighter tomorrow.

that was me. that was how i spent my every night for the past year. 

i was alone. i was falling apart at the seems and nobody seemed to notice or care. it was easy for me to not care because why should i fix myself if nobody else would gain anything from it. i hated to burden people with my issues. i kept having these crying spells and after i sent any text whether is was me saying hello or me asking for help, i would feel horrible after i pressed send. i wished it would just delete itself and never have been sent. after Victoria explained to me and made me remember that i do need to vent. i need to let things out and just tell someone about it. i couldn't keep it all in forever. she helped me get the courage to go to challenge day at my school {read more about it here}. she gave me hugs and was super supportive when everything was falling apart. she was there when i was alone and crying. she is an amazing friend. she has become a big part of my life and a major role model. after challenge day i found a new beautiful and loyal friend. she was in my family group during the day. she has become almost a sister to me. she has become my light and my wonderful friend. she has helped me when i feel no hoep is left. she has helped me and is currently helping me with all the troubles of high school girl friendships. she is an incredible women and i will never forget what she has done and brought into my life. kelsey, an amazing women who has never left my side. :)

i love you. i love you more than you know. f you are ever feeling down or weak, you can ALWAYS count on me. i will always pick you up!!! please don't give up, i am here for you.

xoxo-Hails

welcome home november . personal

i have always had a beautiful "fling" with november. it gives me chills and makes me smile. all at once. every thing changes once the first comes around. it is this beautiful thing that changes my mindset and just about every piece of me is filled with warmth. the mornings become brighter the evenings quieter. it is a wonderful thing and makes me love everything about the world 100 times more than before. november brings autumn, hot tea, holiday season, sweaters, & lots of love. every year once november leaves i feel crazy, like my love for decemeber isn't enough. like i shouldn't even like november. november and i have always had a wonderful thing but them december came and swept me off my feet!

what is your favorite season???

xoxo-Hails

sorry for my lack of words . blogging/personal

i am terribly sorry that i haven't been blogging as much as i'd like to be. i am super sorry that I haven't been around these parks a lot. i use this as an excuse a lot but, it happened again. my BFF said goodbye, forever. i am not going to be all secretive about the name or even what happened because, lets be honest i don't know what happened. i think it was maybe two weeks ago that carrie decided to call it quits. i am not blaming her for everything and if it sounds like i am. i am sorry. this is my side and hopefully it will help me get closure by writing it all down. i hate adding her name as a tag to this post. she shouldn't be associated with anything like this. i never wanted to hurt anybody or push her into saying goodbye. parts of me are convinced she changed a little after getting her first bf & kiss. the other part of me is just mad at myself because maybe i am the reason. maybe i never change and people just change without me. they grow up and evolve into these beautiful 16 & 17 year old women while i am stuck in the past. i haven't had either of the new experiences that she is having. i haven't had the pleasure of being so close to a boy that your lips touch & all you want to do after that is be together 24/7. i never got that. i am beginning to think i never will get it. 

when she left she left me with tons and bucket loads of tears to shed and nothing to hold onto. a friend told me to think of the words she said before goodbye, it was probably way better, she said. i was totally convinced that it would be. then i read it. the  two words that hurt more than goodbye. "i'm done." i sat and locked my bedroom door and cried for hours. i cried until i physically couldn't produce anymore tears. i waited two days until i told anyone what i was going through. i hate to bother them and complain to them about something that has happened to me about a thousand times in the last year. loosing carrie was the worst. seeing her at school & on the soccer field sucks. it makes me instantly upset. it breaks me down and soon i wont have anything else to loose. one day i saw her and i ran into the bathroom and hid in the corner of a stall crying for all of lunch. it hurt so bad. it still stings my heart when i see her. how easily she moved on and forgot about me.

recently i asked a friend to do me a favor. something that i knew would be helpful but i put it off for a year. i asked her if she would dispose of all the notes & letter between carrie & i or even melissa & i. she was super supportive and understanding with what i was and am going through. she gladly took the ones i gave her and i could feel a load coming off my shoulders. i could feel how light i felt and how much more confident i felt letting go of things that i didn't need. things that only brought pain to my heart & soul. i kept a few. i kept some that i thought would come in handy. i kept one from melissa that was given to me after my Omi passed away. it was beautiful and wasn't about her or me. it reminds me to stay strong and that she is always looking after me from Heaven. that was important to keep. the things from carrie are all gone. i don't want to sound heartless when i say that. i just mean it wasn't healthy for me. when ever i read even the first sentence i would burst into tears. it became to the point where i was crying so much i was loosing sleep & i wasn't eating. missing carrie as much as i did was horrible. i didn't get any sleep and barely ate anything for days. i didn't have the answers or anything like that to help me move on. it is easier, Victoria was right. it got easier to breathe & walk through the halls without having anxiety about seeing her. i still care about her. i still wonder and think about her. i still like her in some ways. it is just in all different ways.

i can finally say goodbye to her. i feel as if i can finally see her and continue laughing or smiling because her leaving changed me. sadly it changed me for the better. i had no idea how strong i was until now. 

i will be back on the blogging spree soon, love you so much!

xoxo-Hails