bridget . friends

there have been too many days to count that i have gone to school or even just going to photography class upset or stressed or worried about something going on in my life. but for every day that i have been upset or stressed there is twice as many days that a friend has been there to inspire & keep me going. reminding me that it gets easier, nothings permanent, & you can do anything you set your mind to. while in photo class she taught me these three things, probably without knowing. I can honestly, only hope to be as admirable, inspiring, & beautiful as Bridget. she has been nothing but honest, lovely, & kind to me.

photo class itself used to be that thing that would distract me and let me leave all my worries until it became another stress and worry. people in that class began to make me anxious and make me uncomfortable. now, people are that outlet and distraction for me. bridget can easily talk to me or even just be there and i can oh so easily distract myself and forget all the things that are going wrong because she reminds that things get easier & it will get better. I haven't had a friend like that in a while. i'm sad to see her go, soon. but won't ever forget her. i'm completely blessed to be able to call her my friend. i couldn't ask for a better friend & role model!!

i'm so excited for her to go off to college in santa barbara & grow up into a beautiful, strong, independent, smart, women! she will do amazing, great things in her life!

thank you for being you, bridget! i'm truly excited for you big bright future! you are an inspiration to me daily!

stay beautiful,

h

truth is . friends

no matter how many times i try to write this post without crying, it won't work. i just have to suck it up and write it. for the 17th time & just cry my way through it all. 

four months ago i met a girl. i met her through tumblr this crazy place that i thought would just be a blog for me but turned into this "match maker" and somehow i found her. i found this girl, no women, that changes me everyday. that inspires me to keep breathing & keep laughing. i couldn't do this thing without her. back to the beginning though. it was this crazy time in my life when someone i love and care for dearly, was going through lots of things and she couldn't figure out any of it. i could see it in her eyes, in the way she "smiled" and in the way she would walk. she wouldn't tell anyone about her brokenness and her aching heart. she felt so alone. and i wanted to reach out to her and hold her through it all, telling her how much she is loved, wanted, & valued. but because of our rough past, i didn't know if it was right. i was seeking help & didn't know what to do. i talked to my mom about it but, not much help there. then i realized that i had reached out for a little love on tumblr before and it worked beautifully. so i did what i always do, went on tumblr looked through about found this beautiful women named Ashley. i hate to bother, burden, & bug people about my problems so i messaged her asking if i could ask her for some advice about a friend, it only took me one panic attack & two long days to send even that. she replied promptly and i told her the gist of my situation. she told me things i never thought of, related to me in ways i never thought possible and i followed her every word. she could see how much i wanted to help my friend and she helped me through that. then after her lovely, perfect response to my first message i wanted to know more and make sure i was doing the right thing, so i messaged her again: I thought it would be okay. I just wasn't sure. And I am going through basically all the same emotions and things as her but I keep it in. Makes me depressed but I don't want to be. Half of me knows I can help her and give her hope but the other half knows I am close to giving up myself so I don't know if I can give it 100% which makes me sad. 

she then walked me through that and talked to me about her experience & give me tons of good advice. then for the first time in so long, i got to the bottom of her response and i read: Also, may I ask why you want to give up on yourself or is that really personal? Just wondering if maybe I can help at all.

i cried for two hours wondering, why on earth would this beautiful stranger ask about me? why would she care? she doesn't care! she is just being nice. i had this conversation with myself in my head about the whole thing. wondering if it was at all real! i finally said, hailey you've got nothing left to lose. talk to her. tell her your thoughts, your struggles, not all of it but let someone in! please, you can't do it alone anymore!!!!

so i told her it was a long story and asked her if we could talk somewhere else. we exchanged numbers and two days later, i got the text that i will never forget, simple but oh so meaningful and it was truly the beginning to my journey to slowly but surely recovery that i'm on right now. we began to text daily and then three days later my first mental breakdown. she knew basically everything. i told her every thought, emotion, struggle everything. it was truly something i needed. i hadn't told anyone before her. i told her that night what i was thinking, every little dangerous thought thinking she won't answer she is asleep. she doesn't really care. she is just being nice. it's stupid, don't text her. but i did and she was there every second of that night. she and i text everyday. we went a few days without talking for health reasons but, we never lost each other. she has been there for me all along, it just took me a while to find her. she was always pushing me along. keeping me safe & never failing me once. i knew after two months that she wasn't leaving. but even to this day i have those moments of hesitation and curiosity. does she want to walk away? is she going to wake up today and think i'm not important anymore, that she would be better off without me? nope!!!!!! she never fails to remember me & think of me daily. i tried to give her a day to herself without me. it didn't work out. she was actually worried about me. and by the end of the day i had five texts asking if i was okay, and why hadn't i texted her all day. those little reminders that mean she doesn't want to leave. she really is in this with me, for the long hall. and that after i'm healthy & happy, she'll still be here for the good, bad, & the ugly. she knows it all and i could never get rid of her, I DON'T WANT TO EITHER! she means too too much to me for me to ever want to lose her. if i could i would fly to her in a second. if i could i would hug her forever. if i could i would send her a letter everyday with ten reasons why i love her and admire her. if i could i would go back in time and message her earlier. if i could i would be with her everyday, follow her to all her classes, do all those things that she does and just be constantly inspired. she is truly the most admirable & inspiring women i've ever met. she makes me day every day & knows me better than i know myself. Ashley has become a part of my family, my heart, & my recovery. i can't go a day without getting a text from her. i can't do lots of things without checking it with her first. and i just can't get through without her support. every word she says comes with love, hope, & inspiration.

i'm far from recovery but, she keeps me going. she keeps me on track. she "holds" me through the long, tiring nights of tears. she is my HOPE. INSPIRATION. most importantly she is my SISTER.

i couldn't do this without her. i'm truly beyond blessed.

stay beautiful,

h

human . friends

we as humans need to take care of each other and our self's. we need to take responsibility for the choices we make as humans. it needs to be known to our man-kind that when we do things and make these choices that we follow through. somethings have risks, you need to know them and be ready for any or all of them to happen. you need to know that it is your responsibility to take care of those human mistakes and believe that you can. i know that if you made that choice that you will continue to take care of it. it is very important to educate yourself before doing anything, yes it may sound paranoid and make everything seem scary but, i want you to be ware of what could happen. some risks are beautiful, great, fabulous, even. you need to choose your challenges & pick your risks. 

as humans we aren't perfect, we lie, we cry, we do stupid things, we make mistakes...we are only human!! so if someone tries to make you feel bad because you did something wrong and made a mistake, i bet they have down something worse or at least the same mistake. it sucks when people look at you and judge that you did one silly mistake in your life. it is OKAY to make mistakes.

it is hard to choose those battles and make those "advanced" decisions about people. you shouldn't see a 16 year old pregnant and judge them just on the fact that they have a baby inside them. it is so mean. you need take a step back & check yourself... dont judge someone you don't know. you don't know their story, you don't know their life, you really have no right to judge them by one thing you see on the outside...as humans we need to help each other guide each other, love each other!

xoxo-Hails

lost . personal

friends, people you can COUNT ON for anything. help, advice, love, hugs, shoulders to cry on. they are supposed to help you through the rough times and when you make it through they stay with you, realize that, that made your friendship stronger.

 when you finish a hardship, all i want to do is celebrate with my friends that hep me through. i can't do that. i dont get the happy, laughing friend that she was. i dont get any of her smiles. i dont get to be there for her when she needs it. and she wont be there for me. it is over. she has made it clear as day that she doesn't like me. WOW, still getting used to saying and seeing that written. it still stings and will for a longest time. for now, all i can do is hide. hide my tears, sadness, & anger. i can only blame myself for the things that she believes i did. i rushed it. i skipped the fun parts of a friendship and jumped in, fast. she wasn't ready and scared of everything i needed help with. i frightened her & she ran away faster than i thought she would. i didn't want this. didnt plan this hurt & sorrow. hope your days are brighter, happier, & better than my days.

:) xoxo, hails

the almost . happenings

{i don't think any of you will read all my nonsense... if you do, i love you!}

 

you know when you walk away from something or someone, and you almost do something or say something? you know that feeling of regret or sadness because you didn't say or do it? 

i am calling it the "state" of almost. that moment right after or before it almost happens. at first you get butterflies, you want it. you think it will be good and fine after it occurs. then it doesn't happen. you walk away and realize that you did all that worrying all that thinking all for noting to happen. you realize that all your anxiety over the tiniest thing was all for nothing.  you figure you will get the chance again. to say it or do it. to kiss them. to say "i love you". to hug. to love. to celebrate. to be everything you ever wanted to be with them. you figure you have all this time. you think you have tomorrow. you think you can just pick up the phone and call them in the morning. you think that tomorrow you will get your second chance.

i have come to realize, the hard way, that you dont always get a second chance. sometimes it is just that one moment. sometimes it is just that one time that you will get to do or say it. once it is gone, you never will get it back. you are what you are. you did waht you could but deep down you know and will never forget that almost state. when you were about to make things change. i hate that feeling.

i almost didn't hit "publish". . .
xx-Hails

Ahola

Sadly this will be my last post for a while. I am going to Hawai'i for a week & then Thanksgiving!!!

I WILL LEAVE YOU BEAUTIFUL GIRLS WITH THIS:

 

 

 

 Stay strong throughout everything that happens while I am one, I am just a call away but, I will be back soon!

Change in thought.....Change in heart | Life lately

In life there are ups & downs. You have to get through the downs & tears in order to celebrate the ups & laughter. When something bad happens we almost always go straight to thinking, 'nothing will ever be the same, ever again' And yes, sometimes that is true. We also have to think about how some changes can be for the better. We need to take the pain & tears & change them for the better. Make people believe that you can get through it & you can. You just need a little love & hope along the way. I am not saying it will be an easy road, I know it will be bumpy & rough but, everybody has times like this. Times where you have no one to turn to & times where you just feel alone. Everyone can get through them, all you need is to keep your head held high & never forget to breathe. 

This has been heavy on my heart lately, the thought that with just one action or reaction everything can change. To be honest, it scares me. I really have a hard time changing this about myself or about how i do things. My life is filled with flaws & that is how i like it. I never once thought that I would be in the position to have to change a big or small part of my life. I know that changing any part would be hard for me to grasp. I guess the thing that hurts the most is that I am/was told i had to change. {I know I should change this & I have thought about it before but, I am not ready for anything to change. I know it MIGHT help me but, that can be a BIG risk.} I like to change over time, slowly so then it doesn't feel much like a change. 

Source: 29.media.tumblr.com via Hailey on Pinterest

I always go back to this^, keep going! You have to keep going. No matter what there will always be a group of people, family & friends, there for you at the end & during the bumpy road. You never give up & show everyone that you can do it. Anything you put your mind to, you can do! You just need a little love! <3

I think the tough part for me will be the memories, not the good bye. There can be good in any good bye. I have no doubt that it will be hard that day but, all the memories that come back to me will hurt more than ever. When I have them I can almost guarantee that I will cry. But I will always remember that I need to keep going & that everyone has a rough road sometime in there lifes.

Source: Uploaded by user via Hailey on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Hailey on Pinterest

Never give up on yourself....

Secret Sunday {#12}

Happy Sunday everyone, I hope you've had a lovely weekend! If you're new here, this is a chance to anonymously share secrets you've been keeping to yourself and just need to get off of your chest. They can be anything from "I cheated on my math test" to "I cheated on my husband" This is for you as well as for myself (I may post a few of my own) We all have secrets that we have to live with, but the best medicine is not keep them bottled up inside. My hope is that this can act as an escape of sorts for a lot of you.

 

 

1. This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from a regular follower to casual visitor.

2. Post a secret anonymously, no names please (Choose the anonymous option under comment).

3. I do this for you guys - so you can get some weight off of your shoulders. If you are not comfortable with sharing, that is entirely well and fine.

4. I am going to participate as well. One of the comments will be mine.

**Remember: Nothing is off limits and we are not here to judge.

**To anyone who anonymously posts a secret here, if you ever need someone to vent to, get advice from, etc, do not hesitate to contact me personally through e-mail.  I have been through some tough stuff and know how alone it can make a person feel at times.  I promise I will never judge, and it will be kept soley between the two of us. There are so many of these I have read which make me wish I could give the person a huge hug and let them know everything will be okay.

 

I found out.

Today I found out, one of my friends is sick.

Sick in a way that I can't help her. 

Sure, I can be moral support and try and give her advice.

I can help her get through it.

It is dangerous.

I wish I could honestly say, I understand.

I can't.

I don't.

She is so sweet & little.

She feels so alone.

I know if I get her alone I can tell her what she needs to hear.

Not what she wants to hear.

She may hate me in the end.

I know she will realize that I helped her.

She is blessed to have two great friends that will help her.

We can get through this, all together.

You can't leave one another alone.

In the dumps.

Like they never exsisted.

I know I can help her.

Today I found out one of my friends is sick.

Mistakes . written word

we have all made them; whether we look back and remember it or we just forget about it.....life goes on
i have read all the latest secrets from secret Sunday...they all bring me to tears....
i am just thinking in terms that there still are people out there who will judge those anonymous voices..... yes, this secret Sunday is for a non-judgement place to go...but, some of the secrets hurt me.....i know that one person will read it and judge...i would hope that those who realize that the only reason they wrote them was for a sigh of relief.......not everyone has a good support system. what we sometimes forget is that they all had reasons to do what they did in the past.... it may hurt to admit things now but, everyone should have a right to speak up and say what they know they could have never said before...

Source: getfitgetskinny.tumblr.com via Hailey on Pinterest

when you read or even write something..anything to someone you don't realize that it has the same effect it would have if you said it to them in person....it still hurts as much as it ever would. no matter how great & high up you are in the world....you still make mistakes. it hurts to realize those little things...you can't fix everything....sometimes even the best fall down

Source: thewellnesswarrior.com.au via Hailey on Pinterest

ALONE

Yes, she is the one.

The desperate, lonely one

That lives in glimpses of thoughts.

She is the desire, the hunger, the forgotten.

She is hiding in the secret places.

Like a tuneless dance, she lives.

The twisting, and turning, and melting,

No steady rhythm, no perfect beat.

She plays there in the darkness,

Searching for Dream

         (the only love she'd ever felt)            

A fleeting creature, never met,

She aches for him,

For his touch,

For his kiss,

His trust.

She pulls gently on strings,

Hanging from them

Like a bird on a trapeze,

And weaving them crookedly

Into her perfect, nothing skin,

And into the creaks and corners

Of her soul.

 -Alyssa Kaylee

Blessed...

 I feel blessed....

• to be here today
• to have friends
• to have family
• to breathe everyday
• to follow in God's path
• to be healthy
• to live in a house
• to wear clothes, everyday
• to eat three meals a day
• to have my father near
• to have my mother close
• to have a sister home
• to have you

These are just a few little things I thought of that we all take for grated everyday and sometimes we just need to stop and say thank you for everything that we have in our life's. When you are told that one of your family members has a disease that is life changing, it makes you stop and think how precious life is. When you are told that someone in your family has past away, you think even more about how life can just be taken away in a split second. It hurts and sometimes it is hard to find a way back to your normal but, what is even harder is finding the new normal. Your life has changed in a bunch of ways it is hard to admit that things changed and that life is not the same. You automatically have more responsibility and care towards them and your family. It is important to not take control of the responsibility that you were given.

We are not lucky that we have these things, we are blessed.......

Source: yes-butno.tumblr.com via Emily on Pinterest

Why do people do such bad things?

So. This is an honesty post.  Bare with me, please.

 I know I have done lots of little bad things in my time but, never have I encouraged something so bad it is a common cause of death...

Now, here comes the toughest part of the post. I came across a certain entry today which happened to be a Pro-Ana blog. If you are not familiar with this, it is encouraging Anorexia. And this was a man.  I was appalled.  If you are reading this right now, I am sorry, but I refuse to give you a presence on my blog. (Even if it is just through a small pin on my map). Now if it was your recovery process you were documenting, that would be all well and good, inspirational to some even. But when you are encouraging the habits that are destroying the lives of  as many as 10 million females and 1 million males, that is simply not acceptable.

If you would like to leave a nasty anonymous comment, go ahead.  If you would like to e-mail me personally, go ahead. Either way, I will not promote such behavior.  I know you are suffering, but please stop publicizing this.

Timing . random thoughts

I have gotten emails & instant messages about "when...?"
Timing is very important in a lot of situations. You have to know how long you should wait, how long you should think about something, & how long you should stay in a relationship.
"..You are great at knowing when to do things & how long to wait for people and things to happen. How long should I wait for...?"
-Private {Email conversation}
Well, I don't think I am great or have perfected the timing of EVERYTHING but, I am good at it. I just try and think about what kind of situation it is and then evaluate it by that. If it is something that I would never waste my time on, like a little fight over gum, I call them right away and say: "I am sorry, I was stupid, this was a stupid fight over nothing! We should not be wasting precious time on this..." Yes, for some people it maybe easier just to let it slide and wake up the next morning and forget about it but, for me I am a conversation kind of girl. I like to get my feelings out & fix all the things I broke. I believe that it is good to get things off your chest. After a while you will have all of these feelings tied up into a big knot in your mind & stomach. It will make you just burst one day & start yelling or complaining about things from one to two years/months ago. People may understand but, they will wonder why you are talking about things so far in the past.

Let go of the past but, solve your issues now. So that in that time of something better you never have to say "remember that fight we never talked about....."
{so I guess this turned into two posts in one, kinda, I hope I explained and help some peeps :) This sure helped me vent}