beauitful little fool . blogging

time for a change. after all, some things need to change in my life! welcome to "beautiful little fool"!!!!!! i love this phrase. it is from the great gatsby! i hope you like it too! i also wanted to share with you my tumblr. i don't know if anyone even reads these silly posts, but here is my tumblr & i hope you enjoy it!

stay beautiful,

hailey

emptiness . personal

how can you be so sad? 

how can someone so small, beautiful, & inspiring be filled with such depressed? 

i don't know why friends ask me those questions when i give them the truth. i am sad. why is it such a shock? okay, i understand if you don't know my story. if you don't know what happened three years ago or even last week. it is so difficult to listen to others judge me or just think i'm fake. i'm not. this is real. these are my emotions, thoughts, & actions.

it's easy for me to feel empty. to feel so alone in a room filled with friends & family. it is so simple and second nature for me to feel empty and alone. 

emptiness comes with the territory i guess. when the sun goes down, my demons come out. i pray and pray and pray for hours on end trying to find a way out of this. it never comes. time, it takes time everyone i talk to about it says that. it hurts. you know how much time it took me to get this far? to finally smile FOR REAL a week ago? do you know how long it took to tell someone about this? to tell the truth? time. such a silly thing that we take for granted. i will look back one day on the used to be's and the almost's and remember everything that brought me down and everything that challenged me day in and day out. remember the stinging feeling after i made that one fatal mistake. that one thing that took me ten thousand steps bad and made me who i am. not who i want to be.

i can feel myself distancing from my friends, family & everyone around me. i don't talk as much. i don't open up to lots of people. honestly after i told ashley i hated myself. i felt so much guilt and so much anxiety about it. letting a stranger into my emotions, thoughts, & deepest secrets. letting her lead me and help me through it was hard. and it's been almost 2 months i want to say, and it is still scary telling her things. i trust her. i believe in her. it is just hard to understand and feel like someone actually wants to help and cares about me. because i can only hear that so many times before i stop believing it. before i shut out everyone completely.

i'm trying so hard to stay afloat. to stay positive and stay courageous. it isn't easy. but i can do it. i have to just believe and try to love myself. i know i love & care for others. i see how much i can give to others and how much of myself i use to help, heal, & love others. why can't i use some of that for me? why can't i learn to love, help, & heal myself? why?? because to me, that sounds so selfish. that sounds beyond silly. that sounds like i wouldn't be caring enough for them and loving on them enough. that sounds to me like, i wouldn't be giving 120% to them, like always. and i couldn't do that. i couldn't take that away from them.

so for now, i'm stuck. empty. alone. prayers? please if it isn't too much to ask.

stay beautiful,

hailey

golden hour . photography

today i had the honor of photography these lovely ladies!! during the best hour of the day, the golden hour. right before & during sunset!!! it is such a beautiful thing to see my two friends over the weekend & it was a blast getting to photograph their gorgeous faces. to see more & read more about this photo shoot head over here to my photography blog & enjoy!!

stay beautiful,

hails

late love . personal

there is something so personal about early morning or late night texts. it is a feeling that nothing else can bring. something like magic. a piece of magic & hope all rolled into one. it makes you feel wanted and appriciated. it makes you feel like that person really wants to talk to you or else they would have left by now instead of staying up with you until half past 12. something that speaks louder than the text tone. as crazy as it sounds, that is how i feel every time i have a conversation that goes into the dark of the night. it makes me feel like they really do care about me. they really do enjoy talking with me about anything, and sometimes we don't even have to talk about anything just sit in silence and we both know that neither of us are falling asleep just thinking, remembering, & feeling. 

xoxo

Husdon was there . books

Ch. 1 Thoughts From Her

Don't send it halley, just tell Lucy you have to go. Don't text her. you will regret it forever. 'do it... she will stay longer, she will worry and care more.' hudson's voice popped into my head, sounding clear and just like mine. hudson wasn't her name yet. i didn't eevn know why i had this horrible thought to lie to Lucy. I was doing so well without these thoughts. 'it is already typed and ready for your little finger to send... just send it!' i felt as if i could trust her. like she knew what was best. i hit send with the tip of my thumb.

'now didn't that feel good? oh look she's already read it! tying fast and hard to save you & give you all her wise words.' "Shut up!!!! Lucy please don't reply! Stop, i never sent it. forget that i ever wrote it!!!! please!!!" i started to yell at myself in the middle of the woods. scared to death of what i had just done.

i lied.

to: lucy

lucy, i don't know what to do. my friend came over last night crying. she stayed the night and this morning she took a pregnancy test. it was positive, lucy. she can't have a baby! she told me she want to abort the baby. i can't let her hurt a human being like that. what am i supposed to do?!!

2014 give . personal

my word for 2014 is give. this year i want to give more, whether it's a hug or a gift or my time. i want to give myself fully to the world and share what i have to give! i want to help the needy and help those in my community. show them that there are still good & loving people out there, people that want to help and give them time. i want to listen more and not talk. i want to listen to the beautiful, tragic, loving stories that walk the halls at my high school. i want to give my heart to this world and never regret one moment of it! i know that giving is much better & more rewarding than receiving. i know that He will guide me through this year with hope, happiness, & a heart that won't stop loving until we made it through together. 

after i wrote a long list of things i wanted to change this year, this one stood out the most and was in many of the changes. i want to love more and give more of myself to others. i'm going to make 2014 count by giving more love, hugs, kisses, listening, & time.

i'm going to give more of me because i would rather be the one that smiled than the one that didn't smile back.

happy 2014!

xoxo-hailey

intro | hudson was there . written words

this is my 2014 book! i plan on starting it today & ending it sometime in december! i want to take a long time on this so i can get it just right & perfect for you all.. { if there is in fact anyone reading..} i have all the chapter names & details laid out so it should be easy putting it altogether. this half true & half false. i am changing only a few names because some events were just to a point where i don't think i should share the person's identity. it isn't need for the book or for them. :) i hope you understand that i am not writing a full on REAL STORY, some if in fact false and didn't happen. anyway, i thought i would write a little "back-of-the-cover" book summary for you all!! 

"She was just a girl, 15 years old still trying to figure out Algebra 2 & how the world around her works. She didn't have any special someone like Lucy. She only had her friend, Kelsey. She only had what she knew from what Marly taught her about sex & girl problems. She was just getting used to life without Marly. She was at the peak of her changing social life and didn't want anyone else to leave. So she lied..."

hope to start publishing chapters by tonight!! if not then definitely tomorrow there will be one!

xoxo-Hails

new years . holiday

 

first off, officially Happy New Years!! it is actually 2014, and new year. today was the page 1 to a wonderful 365 page book of our life's! and its only one in a series of many many books. i hope you all celebrated with loved ones or friends & hope you had a lovely day today! :)
reflecting on 2013 is something i want to do & something i'm dreading at the same time... i want to do it so i can put it in the past and just sprint forward to 2014. i am honestly dreading it because it was such a rough year filled with too many tears & too much hurt. don't get me wrong there were some good & happy moments, like always, but it was just a year that certainly changed me. i'm grateful for the love and support that got me through because i probably wouldn't be here with certain people... Victoria, Arielle, Natalie, Kelsey, Becca, Erica, Lesley, Alyson, Megan, Jane, Kyley, Ashley, Pilar, Sam, Grace, Kendall, Sarah, & Him. of course my support group is such an incredible help in letting me open up again & become honest with myself and everyone around me. i can't believe how far i have come from the beginning to end of 2013. its a beautiful, scary & loving transformation. if someone told me that i would meet all these people, go through all of that & reunite with many old friends...i would have cried for hours. haha but, here i am loving life & enjoying the new year and what it brings to me! i know as long as i follow His path and lessons for me then i know i will be okay.
this year i plan to write more love letters, give more hugs & kisses, love more, have more adventures, do more crafts, laugh more, cuddle more, enjoy things more, take more photos. i also plan to keep my blogging promises & life promises. i promise to be more kind, loving, supportive, humble, accepting, nonjudgemental, happy, excited, joyful, & healthy. i promise that my 2014 book will finish and it will be good!! i promise to post more & take a photograph everyday that shows emotion of some sort, even if it is the worst day ever. i have somethings i plan on changing, which are i guess my resolutions...? .eating healthier .working out more .writing a letter to myself everyday .giving out more hugs .stand up for myself .giving more love letters then i have some more personal ones, which i wouldn't like to share... thank you for understanding!!
hope you have a wonderful start to the new year & i hope i didn't loose all my followers... i am grateful for the views but i would love some lovin in the comments or hate anything really. if your listening.. hello? anybody still reading my little blog...?