emptiness . personal

how can you be so sad? 

how can someone so small, beautiful, & inspiring be filled with such depressed? 

i don't know why friends ask me those questions when i give them the truth. i am sad. why is it such a shock? okay, i understand if you don't know my story. if you don't know what happened three years ago or even last week. it is so difficult to listen to others judge me or just think i'm fake. i'm not. this is real. these are my emotions, thoughts, & actions.

it's easy for me to feel empty. to feel so alone in a room filled with friends & family. it is so simple and second nature for me to feel empty and alone. 

emptiness comes with the territory i guess. when the sun goes down, my demons come out. i pray and pray and pray for hours on end trying to find a way out of this. it never comes. time, it takes time everyone i talk to about it says that. it hurts. you know how much time it took me to get this far? to finally smile FOR REAL a week ago? do you know how long it took to tell someone about this? to tell the truth? time. such a silly thing that we take for granted. i will look back one day on the used to be's and the almost's and remember everything that brought me down and everything that challenged me day in and day out. remember the stinging feeling after i made that one fatal mistake. that one thing that took me ten thousand steps bad and made me who i am. not who i want to be.

i can feel myself distancing from my friends, family & everyone around me. i don't talk as much. i don't open up to lots of people. honestly after i told ashley i hated myself. i felt so much guilt and so much anxiety about it. letting a stranger into my emotions, thoughts, & deepest secrets. letting her lead me and help me through it was hard. and it's been almost 2 months i want to say, and it is still scary telling her things. i trust her. i believe in her. it is just hard to understand and feel like someone actually wants to help and cares about me. because i can only hear that so many times before i stop believing it. before i shut out everyone completely.

i'm trying so hard to stay afloat. to stay positive and stay courageous. it isn't easy. but i can do it. i have to just believe and try to love myself. i know i love & care for others. i see how much i can give to others and how much of myself i use to help, heal, & love others. why can't i use some of that for me? why can't i learn to love, help, & heal myself? why?? because to me, that sounds so selfish. that sounds beyond silly. that sounds like i wouldn't be caring enough for them and loving on them enough. that sounds to me like, i wouldn't be giving 120% to them, like always. and i couldn't do that. i couldn't take that away from them.

so for now, i'm stuck. empty. alone. prayers? please if it isn't too much to ask.

stay beautiful,

hailey