fathers . family

fathers are so beautiful. they are the best gift any girl could ask for. when i hear people tell me stories about how their father's left them or past away when they were young it makes my heart ache. i can't even imagine my life without my dad. he has taught me everything i know & much more. my father is the best dad in the world. he hasn't ever left me. he is always there for me & can make me laugh even when i am at my lowest of lows. i can only thank him for everything i have gotten from him. he makes my day, everyday. fathers shouldn't be known as the parent that will leave you at the first chance, they should be known as your best friend, your best hug giver & many other lovely things. i never take my relationship with my father for granted. i love hearing the sweet comments from friends like, "you and your dad are the cutest!" & "are you ever not next to your dad? too sweet!" it makes me humble & a little sad when a friend told me she was jealous about my relationship with my dad. i want everyone to have the beautiful & loving friendship with their father as i do. i pray every night that our days will only get brighter and our friendship stay close. it is a wonderful blessing when he told me that he prayers for me often. :) such an amazing man i have in my family!!!

i love you daddy & i admire all the loving & supportive fathers in this big beautiful world!

xoxo - Hailey <3

2 years of . blogging

it has been a wondrous journey with this blog and i.it holds many secrets, heart aches & loving stoires of my life & my friends in it! i love this blog with my whole heart and it has become a part of me. literally, sometimes i see things or have experiences and i think "i'm going to blog about it" that is truely what i do!
i want to thank you all for following and being there for me & my blog in all ways that you can. this post is short and sweet because A) it is all i can handle with everything else going on & B)i want to reflect on specific posts in other individual posts.
again thank you so much for being such beautiful & kind people!

xoxo -hailey (:

what i need . personal

every obstacle i face i continue to power through it one way or another. i tend to not give up until i am better or stronger than i was before it. i feel like this year i am taking on more. i am stressing myself out about getting all A's and focusing mostly on school. i now see that that leaves me feeling more and more lonely everyday. realizing that i have to say no to more sleepovers & other friend activities. it is weird. i am used to getting all worked up and super excited about stuff like that but honestly right now, i can't even begin to understand how i would fit something like that into my strict schedule. it may seem like i am complaining and believe me i am not. i am far from it. i don't want to come off that way because i put this on myself. it was my decision to change the way i plan my junior year. i have gotten may messages from uppercasemean & some college friends that tell me to just relax and have fun with junior year. and i want to have fun and just be chill like i was the last two years but, i feel like it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough for me to get B's & A's i feel like i need more school studying time that i can actually get serious about college and my future. i want to go to WSU in Pullman {washington state university}. i want to enjoy my classes and also my work that i get. as if it isn't enough for me to set aside time from 4:20-6:30, then 8-9pm to study and totally focus on my academics. I also made time during every weekend that i need to at least fit in 4 hours of working time. it is nuts that i think i can also get a good night's sleep & also have fun junior year. i can't stress it enough how hard i want to go to WSU and how much i want to do really really well.

then comes in the little things that have to click in order for me to continue with those big things. i want to continue my bible study...alone. i want to continue to grow in my new faith. i want to continue to honor my promises with this crazy blog that has brought me such joy and many blogger friends. i feel so blessed living in this wonderful house that my family makes a home & having so many outlets that i can use to help better myself & my relationships with others. i might be going all other the place in this post and that is good! i am glad that i can write it all out in a mess of nonsense so i can go back one day and see how far i have gone. you guys don't even have to read the whole thing! :) however, i do really love & appreciate those of you who do read these crazy posts. you are a true blessing.

these past few posts have been so vulnerable for me and such an eye opening thing. i have to keep on reminding myself that vulnerability is the key to creativity & passion. i keep waiting for my burst of passion. ;) nobody really understands how hard it is to say what your thinking in your head because it is so confusing you aren't even sure about much of it. this is my mind set basically, right now, think positive, think beautifully, think like the great person you are. right now, honestly, i am finding beauty & power in the unknown. 

there is only one thing i have to say to one person, who i am almost positive will never read this but, i need to say it. i have been holding it in wishing that i could have the power to say three words that mean so much more to us than anyone really gets.

be here, now.

xoxo -hailey

blah . personal

this has been my life.
everyday.
for the past month

wake up at 6.
go to school.
learn.
go to get my dad.
get home.
study schoolwork.
cry.

bible study.

cry.
go to bed.
sleep for 6 hours.
repeat.

it isn't pretty and it isn't fun. it just reminds me how challenging my life is getting. it just reminds me how much i have to work in order to fill in my gaps with love & fun instead of tears & crying into my pillow. along with school and all those pressures... i am trying to continue my summer bible study & learn more & continue to grow my relationship with Jesus. it is hard enough to my studies & learn all about Columbus & how he "discovered" the Americas, i just want to be in a good student. i am adding on so much more pressure on myself with my bible studies on my own, might i add. i love the time of day when all i have to do is sit & read the bible with Him by my side. i love the calmness i have and all the emotions that i get when i read something so powerful it inspires me to change my ways to better my relationship with Jesus. that is what i strive for now-a-days. i strive for that emotional & vulnerable feeling i got when i sat in Jane's church. i love that.

my life isn't perfect. my relationship with Him isn't perfect. my emotions aren't controlled. i have felt feelings that i never wanted to & feelings that i want to feel everyday! i recently got two different emails from two friends that i cherish with my whole heart. they were filled with expressions like "you are perfectly made." & "you are just a strong follower of God, i wish i had that relationship with Him." & "you are the most organized person i know. all the time you are just so composed & organized." WHHHAT?? how do i, hailey aliamus, deserve those words in my inbox? how do i fit those descriptions? i am NOT perfect, i don't have everything organized 24/7. those times when i am at home alone scheduling school & personal & blogging & photography life all into one, i get really disorganized. i have this thing about a part of my room that nobody should ever see it. it's like that closet that monica has on Friends, the messy closet she doesn't want chandler to see? ya, i have one of those spots in my room. it's where all the unfinished projects, notes, books, & even thoughts go when i just can't figure it out. believe me i am FAR from perfect & organized all the time, but thank you.

love you guys. :)

p.s. prayers would sooo be appreciated.

this is hard . personal

this year i was praying a whole lot that i could see certain people, mostly one, over the school year. it hasn't happened. it tears me apart when the day ends and i realize, i didn't see her. some days, it kills me to an extent that i can't see her. it makes me cherish the photos & moments that i had with her. i wish i could tell her this but, i just can't. i can't send her a long text & put this on her. she has a "new" life & just hasn't found where i fit in, yet. i pray every day & every night that i will see her at school the next day. i need her to get through junior year but, i don't think i will ever get that kind of connection with her again, this year. some days i don't know how to handle it, so once i'm in my car i cry. i have cried my eyes out two days in a row just thinking about how the day happened. it hurts me so much. if you're reading this, i'm sorry that i bug you, i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i wish you could understand. i want you to have other friends & your bf you're happy, i just wish i could be a part of that & see you. i haven't seen you, REALLY, since the last day of school last year. JUNE. that blows me away. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i don't want you to feel bad, or guilty or anything bad. i just want you to know. i wish you could see what this does to me. i feel sick & i feel weird not seeing you. you are such a precious jewel in my life. you are a blessing from God. if his plan was to take you away, i can respect that but i don't believe that it is. you're an incredible, amazing, beautiful, & spectacular friend & person. i get the feeling that i got before i lost another friend. i miss her everyday. i miss you WAY more everyday. i am sorry.

i am sorry. thank you for letting me vent & i will be back soon to blog about recent events & Catholicism!

xoxo C.C.