this is hard . personal

this year i was praying a whole lot that i could see certain people, mostly one, over the school year. it hasn't happened. it tears me apart when the day ends and i realize, i didn't see her. some days, it kills me to an extent that i can't see her. it makes me cherish the photos & moments that i had with her. i wish i could tell her this but, i just can't. i can't send her a long text & put this on her. she has a "new" life & just hasn't found where i fit in, yet. i pray every day & every night that i will see her at school the next day. i need her to get through junior year but, i don't think i will ever get that kind of connection with her again, this year. some days i don't know how to handle it, so once i'm in my car i cry. i have cried my eyes out two days in a row just thinking about how the day happened. it hurts me so much. if you're reading this, i'm sorry that i bug you, i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i wish you could understand. i want you to have other friends & your bf you're happy, i just wish i could be a part of that & see you. i haven't seen you, REALLY, since the last day of school last year. JUNE. that blows me away. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i don't want you to feel bad, or guilty or anything bad. i just want you to know. i wish you could see what this does to me. i feel sick & i feel weird not seeing you. you are such a precious jewel in my life. you are a blessing from God. if his plan was to take you away, i can respect that but i don't believe that it is. you're an incredible, amazing, beautiful, & spectacular friend & person. i get the feeling that i got before i lost another friend. i miss her everyday. i miss you WAY more everyday. i am sorry.

i am sorry. thank you for letting me vent & i will be back soon to blog about recent events & Catholicism!

xoxo C.C.