blah . personal

this has been my life.
everyday.
for the past month

wake up at 6.
go to school.
learn.
go to get my dad.
get home.
study schoolwork.
cry.

bible study.

cry.
go to bed.
sleep for 6 hours.
repeat.

it isn't pretty and it isn't fun. it just reminds me how challenging my life is getting. it just reminds me how much i have to work in order to fill in my gaps with love & fun instead of tears & crying into my pillow. along with school and all those pressures... i am trying to continue my summer bible study & learn more & continue to grow my relationship with Jesus. it is hard enough to my studies & learn all about Columbus & how he "discovered" the Americas, i just want to be in a good student. i am adding on so much more pressure on myself with my bible studies on my own, might i add. i love the time of day when all i have to do is sit & read the bible with Him by my side. i love the calmness i have and all the emotions that i get when i read something so powerful it inspires me to change my ways to better my relationship with Jesus. that is what i strive for now-a-days. i strive for that emotional & vulnerable feeling i got when i sat in Jane's church. i love that.

my life isn't perfect. my relationship with Him isn't perfect. my emotions aren't controlled. i have felt feelings that i never wanted to & feelings that i want to feel everyday! i recently got two different emails from two friends that i cherish with my whole heart. they were filled with expressions like "you are perfectly made." & "you are just a strong follower of God, i wish i had that relationship with Him." & "you are the most organized person i know. all the time you are just so composed & organized." WHHHAT?? how do i, hailey aliamus, deserve those words in my inbox? how do i fit those descriptions? i am NOT perfect, i don't have everything organized 24/7. those times when i am at home alone scheduling school & personal & blogging & photography life all into one, i get really disorganized. i have this thing about a part of my room that nobody should ever see it. it's like that closet that monica has on Friends, the messy closet she doesn't want chandler to see? ya, i have one of those spots in my room. it's where all the unfinished projects, notes, books, & even thoughts go when i just can't figure it out. believe me i am FAR from perfect & organized all the time, but thank you.

love you guys. :)

p.s. prayers would sooo be appreciated.