my 2013 . personal

my year has been everything BUT simple. and to be truthful i am totally and completely okay with it!!! i love complex things and how i can look back and say it wasn't easy but i did it and got through it with love, support, and happiness! thank you to everyone who is still in my life & who helped me through any rough patch because without you i wouldn't be where i am today. :) Happy New Year!!

thankful . holidays

i am really sorry that it has taken me so long to blog about thanksgiving!!! it has been very crazy and busy around here. i love the holidays so much and this year i had parties back-to-back, it was fun loosing lots of sleep!!! haha i actually had fun! i don't have lots of time to talk about thanksgiving so i will make it short and sweet.

we invited my Opa, Grammie, & Bubba over for thanksgiving dinner and only my Grammie & Bubba could come, sadly. we had lots of fun catching up and enjoying everything that we were thankful for :) i loved making  our little place setters! it was tricky at first but then i fund a solution to all my problems and they turned out great!

hope you all had a yummy thanksgiving! i'm very sorry for the late post!

xoxo- Hails

baby love . personal

so i got to do my favorite thing!!!!! hold, love, & cuddle with a baby! i just love little kids and babies! i can't explain my joy in words so just enjoy these photos of little Cienna!!!! i love her so much and can not wait to see her again & hopefully babysit her! i enjoyed helping and watching her open her first present!! :)

xoxo- Hails

when youre ready to give up . personal

when you are up late at night ready to give up and just don't see the light anymore. just remember that i am here for you. forget the past of us, forget what we ever fought about, forget that i don't even know you, forget what i am going through. i am here for you and i am not going anywhere until you feel loved, special, & WANTED. i know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel so alone and only the dark of the night is there to make you feel even worse. you are just about to cry because this all makes so much sense and it all hurts because the heavier your heart is you harder it is to put it all into words. once things start piling on, you get buried. you can't even look in the mirror anymore and see yourself. soon you forget who you are. you forget what even started this. you forget why you lie to your friends and say everything is okay. you forget the little pieces of yourself that you used to love and know so well. you realize no one is there for you anymore. or you just don't want to burden them with your pain while they have their own pain and problems to deal with. they say they will be there when really they wont. it hurts so much to be alone that the tears come easy. you don't even think about it before they start streaming down your beautiful cheeks. the night drags on and all you have to be hopeful of is a brighter tomorrow.

that was me. that was how i spent my every night for the past year. 

i was alone. i was falling apart at the seems and nobody seemed to notice or care. it was easy for me to not care because why should i fix myself if nobody else would gain anything from it. i hated to burden people with my issues. i kept having these crying spells and after i sent any text whether is was me saying hello or me asking for help, i would feel horrible after i pressed send. i wished it would just delete itself and never have been sent. after Victoria explained to me and made me remember that i do need to vent. i need to let things out and just tell someone about it. i couldn't keep it all in forever. she helped me get the courage to go to challenge day at my school {read more about it here}. she gave me hugs and was super supportive when everything was falling apart. she was there when i was alone and crying. she is an amazing friend. she has become a big part of my life and a major role model. after challenge day i found a new beautiful and loyal friend. she was in my family group during the day. she has become almost a sister to me. she has become my light and my wonderful friend. she has helped me when i feel no hoep is left. she has helped me and is currently helping me with all the troubles of high school girl friendships. she is an incredible women and i will never forget what she has done and brought into my life. kelsey, an amazing women who has never left my side. :)

i love you. i love you more than you know. f you are ever feeling down or weak, you can ALWAYS count on me. i will always pick you up!!! please don't give up, i am here for you.

xoxo-Hails

welcome home november . personal

i have always had a beautiful "fling" with november. it gives me chills and makes me smile. all at once. every thing changes once the first comes around. it is this beautiful thing that changes my mindset and just about every piece of me is filled with warmth. the mornings become brighter the evenings quieter. it is a wonderful thing and makes me love everything about the world 100 times more than before. november brings autumn, hot tea, holiday season, sweaters, & lots of love. every year once november leaves i feel crazy, like my love for decemeber isn't enough. like i shouldn't even like november. november and i have always had a wonderful thing but them december came and swept me off my feet!

what is your favorite season???

xoxo-Hails

sorry for my lack of words . blogging/personal

i am terribly sorry that i haven't been blogging as much as i'd like to be. i am super sorry that I haven't been around these parks a lot. i use this as an excuse a lot but, it happened again. my BFF said goodbye, forever. i am not going to be all secretive about the name or even what happened because, lets be honest i don't know what happened. i think it was maybe two weeks ago that carrie decided to call it quits. i am not blaming her for everything and if it sounds like i am. i am sorry. this is my side and hopefully it will help me get closure by writing it all down. i hate adding her name as a tag to this post. she shouldn't be associated with anything like this. i never wanted to hurt anybody or push her into saying goodbye. parts of me are convinced she changed a little after getting her first bf & kiss. the other part of me is just mad at myself because maybe i am the reason. maybe i never change and people just change without me. they grow up and evolve into these beautiful 16 & 17 year old women while i am stuck in the past. i haven't had either of the new experiences that she is having. i haven't had the pleasure of being so close to a boy that your lips touch & all you want to do after that is be together 24/7. i never got that. i am beginning to think i never will get it. 

when she left she left me with tons and bucket loads of tears to shed and nothing to hold onto. a friend told me to think of the words she said before goodbye, it was probably way better, she said. i was totally convinced that it would be. then i read it. the  two words that hurt more than goodbye. "i'm done." i sat and locked my bedroom door and cried for hours. i cried until i physically couldn't produce anymore tears. i waited two days until i told anyone what i was going through. i hate to bother them and complain to them about something that has happened to me about a thousand times in the last year. loosing carrie was the worst. seeing her at school & on the soccer field sucks. it makes me instantly upset. it breaks me down and soon i wont have anything else to loose. one day i saw her and i ran into the bathroom and hid in the corner of a stall crying for all of lunch. it hurt so bad. it still stings my heart when i see her. how easily she moved on and forgot about me.

recently i asked a friend to do me a favor. something that i knew would be helpful but i put it off for a year. i asked her if she would dispose of all the notes & letter between carrie & i or even melissa & i. she was super supportive and understanding with what i was and am going through. she gladly took the ones i gave her and i could feel a load coming off my shoulders. i could feel how light i felt and how much more confident i felt letting go of things that i didn't need. things that only brought pain to my heart & soul. i kept a few. i kept some that i thought would come in handy. i kept one from melissa that was given to me after my Omi passed away. it was beautiful and wasn't about her or me. it reminds me to stay strong and that she is always looking after me from Heaven. that was important to keep. the things from carrie are all gone. i don't want to sound heartless when i say that. i just mean it wasn't healthy for me. when ever i read even the first sentence i would burst into tears. it became to the point where i was crying so much i was loosing sleep & i wasn't eating. missing carrie as much as i did was horrible. i didn't get any sleep and barely ate anything for days. i didn't have the answers or anything like that to help me move on. it is easier, Victoria was right. it got easier to breathe & walk through the halls without having anxiety about seeing her. i still care about her. i still wonder and think about her. i still like her in some ways. it is just in all different ways.

i can finally say goodbye to her. i feel as if i can finally see her and continue laughing or smiling because her leaving changed me. sadly it changed me for the better. i had no idea how strong i was until now. 

i will be back on the blogging spree soon, love you so much!

xoxo-Hails

fathers . family

fathers are so beautiful. they are the best gift any girl could ask for. when i hear people tell me stories about how their father's left them or past away when they were young it makes my heart ache. i can't even imagine my life without my dad. he has taught me everything i know & much more. my father is the best dad in the world. he hasn't ever left me. he is always there for me & can make me laugh even when i am at my lowest of lows. i can only thank him for everything i have gotten from him. he makes my day, everyday. fathers shouldn't be known as the parent that will leave you at the first chance, they should be known as your best friend, your best hug giver & many other lovely things. i never take my relationship with my father for granted. i love hearing the sweet comments from friends like, "you and your dad are the cutest!" & "are you ever not next to your dad? too sweet!" it makes me humble & a little sad when a friend told me she was jealous about my relationship with my dad. i want everyone to have the beautiful & loving friendship with their father as i do. i pray every night that our days will only get brighter and our friendship stay close. it is a wonderful blessing when he told me that he prayers for me often. :) such an amazing man i have in my family!!!

i love you daddy & i admire all the loving & supportive fathers in this big beautiful world!

xoxo - Hailey <3

2 years of . blogging

it has been a wondrous journey with this blog and i.it holds many secrets, heart aches & loving stoires of my life & my friends in it! i love this blog with my whole heart and it has become a part of me. literally, sometimes i see things or have experiences and i think "i'm going to blog about it" that is truely what i do!
i want to thank you all for following and being there for me & my blog in all ways that you can. this post is short and sweet because A) it is all i can handle with everything else going on & B)i want to reflect on specific posts in other individual posts.
again thank you so much for being such beautiful & kind people!

xoxo -hailey (:

what i need . personal

every obstacle i face i continue to power through it one way or another. i tend to not give up until i am better or stronger than i was before it. i feel like this year i am taking on more. i am stressing myself out about getting all A's and focusing mostly on school. i now see that that leaves me feeling more and more lonely everyday. realizing that i have to say no to more sleepovers & other friend activities. it is weird. i am used to getting all worked up and super excited about stuff like that but honestly right now, i can't even begin to understand how i would fit something like that into my strict schedule. it may seem like i am complaining and believe me i am not. i am far from it. i don't want to come off that way because i put this on myself. it was my decision to change the way i plan my junior year. i have gotten may messages from uppercasemean & some college friends that tell me to just relax and have fun with junior year. and i want to have fun and just be chill like i was the last two years but, i feel like it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough for me to get B's & A's i feel like i need more school studying time that i can actually get serious about college and my future. i want to go to WSU in Pullman {washington state university}. i want to enjoy my classes and also my work that i get. as if it isn't enough for me to set aside time from 4:20-6:30, then 8-9pm to study and totally focus on my academics. I also made time during every weekend that i need to at least fit in 4 hours of working time. it is nuts that i think i can also get a good night's sleep & also have fun junior year. i can't stress it enough how hard i want to go to WSU and how much i want to do really really well.

then comes in the little things that have to click in order for me to continue with those big things. i want to continue my bible study...alone. i want to continue to grow in my new faith. i want to continue to honor my promises with this crazy blog that has brought me such joy and many blogger friends. i feel so blessed living in this wonderful house that my family makes a home & having so many outlets that i can use to help better myself & my relationships with others. i might be going all other the place in this post and that is good! i am glad that i can write it all out in a mess of nonsense so i can go back one day and see how far i have gone. you guys don't even have to read the whole thing! :) however, i do really love & appreciate those of you who do read these crazy posts. you are a true blessing.

these past few posts have been so vulnerable for me and such an eye opening thing. i have to keep on reminding myself that vulnerability is the key to creativity & passion. i keep waiting for my burst of passion. ;) nobody really understands how hard it is to say what your thinking in your head because it is so confusing you aren't even sure about much of it. this is my mind set basically, right now, think positive, think beautifully, think like the great person you are. right now, honestly, i am finding beauty & power in the unknown. 

there is only one thing i have to say to one person, who i am almost positive will never read this but, i need to say it. i have been holding it in wishing that i could have the power to say three words that mean so much more to us than anyone really gets.

be here, now.

xoxo -hailey

blah . personal

this has been my life.
everyday.
for the past month

wake up at 6.
go to school.
learn.
go to get my dad.
get home.
study schoolwork.
cry.

bible study.

cry.
go to bed.
sleep for 6 hours.
repeat.

it isn't pretty and it isn't fun. it just reminds me how challenging my life is getting. it just reminds me how much i have to work in order to fill in my gaps with love & fun instead of tears & crying into my pillow. along with school and all those pressures... i am trying to continue my summer bible study & learn more & continue to grow my relationship with Jesus. it is hard enough to my studies & learn all about Columbus & how he "discovered" the Americas, i just want to be in a good student. i am adding on so much more pressure on myself with my bible studies on my own, might i add. i love the time of day when all i have to do is sit & read the bible with Him by my side. i love the calmness i have and all the emotions that i get when i read something so powerful it inspires me to change my ways to better my relationship with Jesus. that is what i strive for now-a-days. i strive for that emotional & vulnerable feeling i got when i sat in Jane's church. i love that.

my life isn't perfect. my relationship with Him isn't perfect. my emotions aren't controlled. i have felt feelings that i never wanted to & feelings that i want to feel everyday! i recently got two different emails from two friends that i cherish with my whole heart. they were filled with expressions like "you are perfectly made." & "you are just a strong follower of God, i wish i had that relationship with Him." & "you are the most organized person i know. all the time you are just so composed & organized." WHHHAT?? how do i, hailey aliamus, deserve those words in my inbox? how do i fit those descriptions? i am NOT perfect, i don't have everything organized 24/7. those times when i am at home alone scheduling school & personal & blogging & photography life all into one, i get really disorganized. i have this thing about a part of my room that nobody should ever see it. it's like that closet that monica has on Friends, the messy closet she doesn't want chandler to see? ya, i have one of those spots in my room. it's where all the unfinished projects, notes, books, & even thoughts go when i just can't figure it out. believe me i am FAR from perfect & organized all the time, but thank you.

love you guys. :)

p.s. prayers would sooo be appreciated.

this is hard . personal

this year i was praying a whole lot that i could see certain people, mostly one, over the school year. it hasn't happened. it tears me apart when the day ends and i realize, i didn't see her. some days, it kills me to an extent that i can't see her. it makes me cherish the photos & moments that i had with her. i wish i could tell her this but, i just can't. i can't send her a long text & put this on her. she has a "new" life & just hasn't found where i fit in, yet. i pray every day & every night that i will see her at school the next day. i need her to get through junior year but, i don't think i will ever get that kind of connection with her again, this year. some days i don't know how to handle it, so once i'm in my car i cry. i have cried my eyes out two days in a row just thinking about how the day happened. it hurts me so much. if you're reading this, i'm sorry that i bug you, i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i wish you could understand. i want you to have other friends & your bf you're happy, i just wish i could be a part of that & see you. i haven't seen you, REALLY, since the last day of school last year. JUNE. that blows me away. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i don't want you to feel bad, or guilty or anything bad. i just want you to know. i wish you could see what this does to me. i feel sick & i feel weird not seeing you. you are such a precious jewel in my life. you are a blessing from God. if his plan was to take you away, i can respect that but i don't believe that it is. you're an incredible, amazing, beautiful, & spectacular friend & person. i get the feeling that i got before i lost another friend. i miss her everyday. i miss you WAY more everyday. i am sorry.

i am sorry. thank you for letting me vent & i will be back soon to blog about recent events & Catholicism!

xoxo C.C.

fourth of july trip . travels

Fourth of July 2013 from hailey on Vimeo.

i hope you enjoy my little video of some photographs from our beautiful & HOT trip. it's a little late, i know, but i couldn't go without sharing my trip!!!

xoxo- Cotton Candy

happiness is exquisite on you . photography

exquisite.

xoxo- Cotton Candy

wowimajunior . high school

one special thing about summer ending, the sweet cool breeze that comes along with fall. summer slowly fades away behind the colorful leaves & sweet orange sunset. it makes me remember all the yesterdays & tomorrow's i thought about during summer. all the i can't wait's & the amazing plans we made. it felt so exciting to be back into the freeing air of summer, at it's finest! the thoughts of summer ending are bittersweet to my heart. it makes me sad to think that i can't just wake up late & stay in between the warm sheets & read all day long. then i remember i get to go to school & learn between the lines of my textbooks. 

the reality that summer has ended & the sweet sun will fade into a darling fall cloud. the reality that my afternoons will be filled with studies & homework thrills me! spending most my time with my thoughts racing about what is to come next in my US History class! i can't wait for my education to expand & my mind to be filled up, once again, with knowledge. {i am not even being sarcastic! i am learning that school keeps me happy & keep me going. it takes my mind off the pointless drama, that always seems to be right around the corner everywhere i go. HATE THAT!!}

JUNIOR YEAR. wow, i am still getting used to saying that i am a junior. it is crazy! i am not sure if i am ready for all that is to come, new classes, new friends, new projects, new teachers! i just want to make the best of these challenges that He has placed in my path. i am so blessed to be following Him this year in all my aspects of life. He is my first & foremost responsibility. i can't wait for sundays, i can't wait for junior year & all He has in store for me.

along with my junior year choices & 'adult' decisions, that's what a few friends have called them, religious & personal. i have only spoken with two close close close, CLOSE friends about my decisions. one friend is beyond in love with her faith. i want that, i want to be excited to go to church & listen to the words of Him. another friend is excited & more than supportive of my choice to convert. i am blessed to have such a beautiful support system! :) thank you both, again.
i will give you the FULL story on my experience of finding my calling to the catholic church in another post.

xoxo- Cotton Candy

waiting for the calm . blogging

i will be back soon to post videos, photos, these ^ fun slideshow things! (: things have been slow & crazy around my home. thanks for waiting & being beautiful. 

xoxo -CC

inspiring women . blogging

the things i read make me empowered & inspired to be a better person, sister, friend, daughter, & follower of Christ. i want to share with you some of the wonderful people & beautiful words they have said that touched my heart & soul.

let's start with the best & the one that continues to inspire me with her words that bless me. (:

Jane K. {NAM Miss California Teen 2013-14} 

first let me tell you how i know this amazing person!!! we met at girl scout camp, DDC, we officially met this year, on accident??, then i realized she might not come bac to camp. this wonderful elf was leaving & i had yet to tell her just how much she means to camp & me. so i wrote her a letter, 2 actually, & made her cry {not on purpose, haha}. ever since that day we have been in contact, she has been such a blessing & an amazing role model!

before i go into a lovely message from her, here is a beautiful post from her blog.

{i am going to say "side notes" in {} & write what she said out side of them...} i am ALWAYS here for you. {she hsa said this many times, & i have questioned her about it. i know it is hard to be there for someone but, she is so honest & wonderful about it. i love knowing that a geuniune person is there for me. she is THE best!} i am so proud of you! {first of all, 4 times!!! i am so blessed to have such an incredible person in my life be proud of me. every time she sends it my heart fills up & i cry. i can't lie, she inspires me & i can only pray to be at least half the incredible person she is!!}

Emma {tumblr}

I’m always here if you need anything! {these words can be said/typed so easily but, it is even hard for someone to mean it. she meant it. (:} her words are just beautiful, you should check out her tumblr HERE

Lauren {tumblr}

The life of a woman who possesses true femininity is italicized by true beauty. This beauty is fixed on what is eternal, authentic, & pure. True femininity is committed to displaying this rare version of beauty in every aspect of her life because it calls attention to Christ instead of her.
True femininity deals with insecurity by making much of Christ, whose identity she bears. She trusts that he defines her rather than requiring the fickle affirmation of others, who can only offer futile words & fleeting pity.
True femininity is uninterested in the world’s approval; deaf to their commentary. Her eyes are fixed & her ears are attuned heavenward—interested solely in the guidance & approval of Jesus.
LINK to read the rest....{it's beautiful}

I can’t help but take a deep breath and roll my eyes when the typical first kiss scene plays out and we all wait to find out if there’s a “spark” (translation: the kiss turned them on enough that they’d like it to happen again.) Okay, let me give you a little TMI… I have had the honor of experiencing a couple knock-your-socks-off, holy-crap-is-this-really-happening, that “can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff” kisses. But for those who have never been kissed and for those who buy into “the spark,” I have news for you. This climatic moment of blissful chemistry is, in reality, lust that releases endorphins and simultaneously feeds hope into your emotions, leading you to believe that a mere kiss has the power to foreshadow true love. I’d like to call bullshit. How can I be so sure? Because my first kiss with Charles was a disaster (I wish you knew how much I am not exaggerating right now). If the spark does mean something, I’d like your superstitious antics to explain how Charles and I started dating two months later and have successfully loved each other through our sixteen months (and counting) together. Nicholas Sparks (wow, what a coincidence…or is it?) is doing an incredible job of cultivating false hope in the hearts of vulnerable girls, sealed with a kiss and delivered with a lie. Let me take another deep breath before I get ghetto. The life-long socialization of chick-flicks has made me a little angsty.

LINK to read the rest..

truly wonderful people & powerful women! thank you for inspiring & blessing me, no THE WORLD with you words & beautiful soul! (:

xoxo- CC

friday letters . written word

dear aussie{jane},

you are truly an incredible person. your words are truly an inspiration! i am beyond lucky to have you help me & have you in my life. i have always admired you from afar, i just love your presence in a room. it can light up a thousand faces! your campers & fellow elfs love the joy & happiness you bring to our week. thank you to the moon & back for being you! you will always hold a special place in my heart. (:

whenever you say you will ALWAYS be there for me, it honestly makes me cry. i don't deserve anything like that. thank you, i honestly don't know how i would have made it through friday without our talk. oh gosh, i can't even get through writing this letter without crying haha. thank you, a thousand times. you are a everyday inspiration!

xoxo CC

dear gus gus{kateri},

thank you for being an awesome person! your thoughts are truly crazy but that is what i love about you! thank you for the offer to beat up some people, but remeber violence is NEVER the answer. haha! i will never forget you.

xoxo CC

dear carrie,

you did a fabulous job in your musical! you continue to amaze me & i love that about you! you are such a sweet friend. all your wonderful advice goes to good use, trust me. thank you for being a beautiful, incredible, unique friend to me. i know that i can't get through somethings without your loving words. thank you for being there. keep up the wonderful things you do!

xoxo CC

{sorry they are a little late but, i was busy. thanks again aussie. <3}

i'm still here .personal

i'm still alive, i have just been busy. last week was girl scout DDC, & these past few days have been hard. 

i honestly thought i would come back from all my trips with my slideshows & videos all edited & ready to post however, due to recent events i haven't had enough time to edit & such. i am so sorry, i will post them all by friday. this coming weekend will be an emotional one!! my sister, who as been a great goalie, sister, & elf at camp, is heading off to college so we are dropping her off on saturday right after we go to my Godmother's moms birthday party! eventful day. 

i have also been realizing that friendships are hard. communication is key. finding time for each other no matter how hard it is, is so important to keeping in touch with your buddies. i try my hardest to be open & welcoming to hanging out with my friends some days i wake up and i just want to stay home & read, by myself. then there are times when i use every bit of my energy to text, call, email my friends & try to get together & i get the feeling they hate me after that. i bug them too much. it's a hard balance. 

i know that horrible feeling in your stomach, the one you get when you know your friend doesn't like you anymore. i know that feeling all too well. then i start to confide & tell a close friend, and i start feeling like they think they aren't good enough. it is a constant war in my head!! 

friends, i constantly tell them they are beautiful, smart, & amazing. i honor true friendships & it is hard when the other person doesn't care as much. i guess, that's just how it works. :(

sorry i got off topic! and if you followed all that, your awesome!!!

xoxo- CC 

{i will be signing my posts 'CC' for a while. my camp name is Cotton Candy & I am so used to people calling me CC or Cotton Candy!}

camp winton . summer

so Camp winton treated us lovely, we went up there to have a beautiful camping trip before my school year started & before Angie had to go back to school! it was nothing short of amazing. i am so glad we decided to go there & meet up with my God brother, Seth and his buddies.it was a wonderful experience and i love love love the atmosphere there! it was so welcoming & such a beautiful backdrop for a boy's camp. no wonder my God brother stayed all the weeks/sessions of camp! i do hope we go back new summer!!

xoxo-hails