what i need . personal

every obstacle i face i continue to power through it one way or another. i tend to not give up until i am better or stronger than i was before it. i feel like this year i am taking on more. i am stressing myself out about getting all A's and focusing mostly on school. i now see that that leaves me feeling more and more lonely everyday. realizing that i have to say no to more sleepovers & other friend activities. it is weird. i am used to getting all worked up and super excited about stuff like that but honestly right now, i can't even begin to understand how i would fit something like that into my strict schedule. it may seem like i am complaining and believe me i am not. i am far from it. i don't want to come off that way because i put this on myself. it was my decision to change the way i plan my junior year. i have gotten may messages from uppercasemean & some college friends that tell me to just relax and have fun with junior year. and i want to have fun and just be chill like i was the last two years but, i feel like it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough for me to get B's & A's i feel like i need more school studying time that i can actually get serious about college and my future. i want to go to WSU in Pullman {washington state university}. i want to enjoy my classes and also my work that i get. as if it isn't enough for me to set aside time from 4:20-6:30, then 8-9pm to study and totally focus on my academics. I also made time during every weekend that i need to at least fit in 4 hours of working time. it is nuts that i think i can also get a good night's sleep & also have fun junior year. i can't stress it enough how hard i want to go to WSU and how much i want to do really really well.

then comes in the little things that have to click in order for me to continue with those big things. i want to continue my bible study...alone. i want to continue to grow in my new faith. i want to continue to honor my promises with this crazy blog that has brought me such joy and many blogger friends. i feel so blessed living in this wonderful house that my family makes a home & having so many outlets that i can use to help better myself & my relationships with others. i might be going all other the place in this post and that is good! i am glad that i can write it all out in a mess of nonsense so i can go back one day and see how far i have gone. you guys don't even have to read the whole thing! :) however, i do really love & appreciate those of you who do read these crazy posts. you are a true blessing.

these past few posts have been so vulnerable for me and such an eye opening thing. i have to keep on reminding myself that vulnerability is the key to creativity & passion. i keep waiting for my burst of passion. ;) nobody really understands how hard it is to say what your thinking in your head because it is so confusing you aren't even sure about much of it. this is my mind set basically, right now, think positive, think beautifully, think like the great person you are. right now, honestly, i am finding beauty & power in the unknown. 

there is only one thing i have to say to one person, who i am almost positive will never read this but, i need to say it. i have been holding it in wishing that i could have the power to say three words that mean so much more to us than anyone really gets.

be here, now.

xoxo -hailey