What.... Ch. 7 | "She" Anonymous
With my sister's & brother back home I felt safe; in a way that I never felt before. It was like they were here to help me & guide me through all the bad. My brother was always the first to know about any boy related problems, he would rush into my room & say "I swear, he will be dead!". I always felt comforted by the well known fact of Pearson being there for support. I began to wounder what we could do if Austin broke up with me, or cheated. Austin & Pearson had their own history; they were friends before Pearson went off to college & they talked off and on during school. I wouldn't think he would do anything to him but, I wasn't sure.
I knew that my talk with Joshlyn wouldn't keep me happy & well all my life. I needed to talk to her for a longer time. I really was worried about my well being, a few days ago I was beginning to have my normal symptoms for my old sickness. It wasn't stopping and I needed help soon, if I wanted to stop. I did of course I wanted to stop & get better. I just needed a little help, actually I needed a lot of help. I needed a therapist & a very experienced doctor. I was ready to end it, for good, forever.
After Wednesday, I was ready to go to sleep all break. I had the worst week, Austin would not stop bugging me about when we were going to have sex again. It was getting annoying, I think he told one of his friends and he probably made some stupid comment about how if we don't keep doing it means that I hated it. He knows I enjoyed it since we talked about it openly for about three days in a row. I wish he wouldn't ask his friends about this stuff; he probably asked Nick, he was always the dirty one in the crowd. I also had one of my friends just complete hate me. Don't even ask me why, I wouldn't know where to begin guessing. I hate it when she does this to me. I never know how to get back to normal with her. I hate it this time a lot more because it has been over a week & that usually doesn't mean good things.
I just needed this summer to chill and escape all the drama & crazy people. I walked up the stairs knowing Cierra would be up there ready to play in the pool. I also had to go up and let the babysitter know she could go. We hired Grace a while ago when my mom decided to go back to work. Cierra was 2 years old & my mom was missing work & all her friends. Grace is a full time nanny for the Peterson's, our neighbor, it was perfect when we interviewed her and found out about her nanny job it was easy for us to hire her. She has been like a big sister to me, ever since. As I went up the stairs I remembered that I got out early so Cierra was probably eating lunch or napping by now.
"Hello?" I whispered as I tip-toed up the stairs.
"Hi, shhh. I just got her to sleep. It gets harder and harder these days to put her down for a nap. How are you?" she whispered back trying to keep Cierra asleep. She reached out for a hug.
"I am okay." I said quietly trying not to break down.
"Are you sure? I have noticed some changes in your behavior & stuff. I am worried, darling." She really did sound concered, she was only four years older than me but, she was like a mother.
"No. I am perfectly fine. Today was the best last day of JR year!" I said trying to sound happy & relieved that school was out. Holding back so much.
"OK, if you say so! Walk me out?"
"Sure, how was she today?" Changing the subject quickly before she could ask anymore personal questions.
"She was okay today, she cried three times. That is the least that she has cried in months." She turned towards the shoe seat & began to slip on her rain boots, if anybody could make rain boots make sense in the summer it would be Grace! I opened the front door and felt a hot breeze sweep through the foyer.
"Ready?"
"Yep, have a good summer! Text me. Bye!" she said as she reached out for two hugs.
"Thanks, you two." I walked back up the steps & into the foyer, closed the door and stood there for a few seconds. I ran back out the door & over to Grace's car, she was just putting it in drive, when I ran into her car and screamed, "I am not ok!"
She quickly put the car in "park" and got out, "It is ok, you can tell me anything."
"I just can't be strong anymore..." I continued to tell her about everything my insincerities, my dreams, my failures, Austin, everything. It was the first time in a long time that I could trust someone with all of that. Telling Joshlyn wasn't a big deal because she knew everything about me since day one but, telling and confiding in someone who was a blood relative was mind blowing to everybody. It was the first time that I thought Grace would keep it to herself & be able to help me through it all.
"Wow, you have been going through a lot haven't you? I wish you told me sooner, I know I dont see you for more than five minutes a day but, we can always get together & talk about it." She was beginning to sound sad & really worried about me.
"I am too young to deal with everything at once. I have been strong for too long & really need a friend to help me. Everyday I look at it in the mirror & it reminds me that I failed. I failed, I let him do those things & did nothing to stop him. I let him hurt me & he made me think I wanted it." I began to cry even more.
"It is ok. He can't hurt you anymore. I promise, you are safe. Just breathe." She spoke calmly.
"I wish I could have stopped him. It is a part of my past, it is a part of me." my cheecks got hotter & my tears got colder.
"It is a part of you but, it doesn't define you. Darling, lets go for a drive. I want to show you something, I think it will help." Grace spoke with beauty & peace in each of her words. It was easy to see that she would help.
"Okay, what about Cierra? She is still asleep & my family isn't back yet." As I spoke those last three words, we heard Gianna's old beat up car drive up.
"Perfect!" Grace turned and winked at me, "I got this. Hey Gianna! I am going to take Hailey out for a ride. Could you watch Cierra? I just put her down, she should be asleep for an hour or two."
"Of course! Hey hailey, how was your day?" She smiled & got out of her car.
"Fine." I said holding back more tears.
"We got to go, Gianna! Thanks for watching Cierra. Bye!" She said quickly, knowing I was ready to burst.
"Okay, have fun! Love you! Be safe." Gianna said running up the steps.
Once we finally got a few miles away from civilization, which wasn't that far, I started crying again. Just the thought of my past & how badly I am scared, I couldn't hold it in. I knew it was right to tell Grace it was time someone knew. He hurt me & I was left behind with the memories for that tree house.
"Here we are!" She pulled into a grass field, she couldn't have been more excited.
"It is a field...Of grass...Lovely?" I kept waiting for her to say 'Just kidding' and back out of the place but she didn't.
"It is freedom, it is a safe place to express all those emotions. Say what you want, thank how you want. Nobody can judge you here, nobody can hurt you here." The more she said the more I understood. She wants me to go out there to say & do & express everything that I had bottled up from all those years of pain and neglect. I could run free & nobody could tell me I was doing anything wrong. I was in control of my fate here. I could be infinite.
"Thank you, I can't believe your kindness. Nobody would do anything like this for me. Thank you." I smiled with a tear running down my face.
"No tears. Not for being thankful. You are a beautiful, strong, young women & deserve a place to go to like this. I went here all through my life. I found it when I was 13, my dad was teaching me to drive & I drove all the way out here. I saw peace & love, in my darkest of days, I knew that I would be safe here. " She replied.
"Wow, thank you for sharing that. I can't believe it! Can I go?"
"Run! Skip! Be free! Hailey, just remember: Life is beautiful, the pain & tears are part of the crazy ride." She inspired me.
After my skipping & peaceful 3 hours we went to In & Out, got some dinner & she drove me back home. It was the best day I had in a loooooong time. I hadn't brought my phone with me, when we went for the ride, I wondered if anyone had tried to text me or anything. I ran up stairs & hopped on the bed. My phone was plugged into the wall, Gianna must have done it for me. I love her! I pressed the "home" button & checked my texts & calls first: two from Pilar & one text from Austin; then onto my email. I noticed the first few emails: Anonymous. I was scared at the sight of that word. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to read anymore but, I had to. I felt something pulling me in.... I began to read:
From: Anonymous
Subject: Lfe
Message: Hailey, I hope you realize that your lies are sad & gross. You need to
figure out your fucking life. If you have to lie in order to keep your
life interesting then, why live? Why are you taking up space in the
world just to lie & lie every day. I hope you know you are a real
bitch & no body loves you. You hurt so many people & they are
hurting right now just because of your lies. I hate you more than anyone
else in this fucking world. I hate your fucking smile & your
fucking lies. GET A LIFE!
From: Anonymous
Subject:You
Message: I have a perfect life, Hailey. I hope you don't. I know people
hate you and you are such a bitch for saying you are "blessed". How cute u think u
can stand up for yourself. Well you can't fucking do it. You are so
naive and stupid you need to figure out your fucking life. You suck and I
hope you die alone. STOP WATSING SPACE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. Get a life Hailey!!!
From the moment that I read the first sentence of the first email I was in tears. I couldn't believe that somebody would write these mean words to me. They weren't even confident enough to use their real name. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It hit me.... I was being cyber bullied. I wasn't sure what to do, I knew nobody who would be up and available to talk at 10pm. I suddenly remembered a friend of mine, Kristen. She was a really good advice giver & listener when I needed one, she was the last non-blood-related-person I ever trusted. I knew she would be up & would listen. I quickly exited the emails & went to text Kristen.
'Hey, Kristen sorry to bother you on the first day of Summer but I am freaking out. Text me back as soon as u can." I must have waited 3 hours, I stayed in my room worried to death. I closed all my windows & put a blanket over my head. Suddenly I heard it, 'tweet tweet', Kristen came through!
'Hey, you okay?'
'I just got this really mean anonymous email.'
'What'd it say?'
' Hailey, I hope you realize that your lies are sad & gross. You need to
figure out your fucking life. If you have to lie in order to keep your
life interesting then, why live? Why are you taking up space in the
world just to lie & lie every day. I hope you know you are a real
bitch & no body loves you. You hurt so many people & they are
hurting right now just because of your lies. I hate you more than anyone
else in this fucking world. I hate your fucking smile & your
fucking lies. GET A LIFE!'
'What the hell? who would say that?! That is so terriible'
'I have no idea :( really scared though'
'Do you know who would say that?'
'Not really. Maybe a few old friends?'
'No they wouldn't do that to you. Hailey, is there anybody else?'
Our texting went on for hours. Once, she managed to calm me down we said our good nights & went to bed. Well, at least she did, I couldn't go to sleep without waking up at every noise my phone made. I was scared to death & had no way of knowing what might come the next day.
