sorry for my lack of words . blogging/personal

i am terribly sorry that i haven't been blogging as much as i'd like to be. i am super sorry that I haven't been around these parks a lot. i use this as an excuse a lot but, it happened again. my BFF said goodbye, forever. i am not going to be all secretive about the name or even what happened because, lets be honest i don't know what happened. i think it was maybe two weeks ago that carrie decided to call it quits. i am not blaming her for everything and if it sounds like i am. i am sorry. this is my side and hopefully it will help me get closure by writing it all down. i hate adding her name as a tag to this post. she shouldn't be associated with anything like this. i never wanted to hurt anybody or push her into saying goodbye. parts of me are convinced she changed a little after getting her first bf & kiss. the other part of me is just mad at myself because maybe i am the reason. maybe i never change and people just change without me. they grow up and evolve into these beautiful 16 & 17 year old women while i am stuck in the past. i haven't had either of the new experiences that she is having. i haven't had the pleasure of being so close to a boy that your lips touch & all you want to do after that is be together 24/7. i never got that. i am beginning to think i never will get it. 

when she left she left me with tons and bucket loads of tears to shed and nothing to hold onto. a friend told me to think of the words she said before goodbye, it was probably way better, she said. i was totally convinced that it would be. then i read it. the  two words that hurt more than goodbye. "i'm done." i sat and locked my bedroom door and cried for hours. i cried until i physically couldn't produce anymore tears. i waited two days until i told anyone what i was going through. i hate to bother them and complain to them about something that has happened to me about a thousand times in the last year. loosing carrie was the worst. seeing her at school & on the soccer field sucks. it makes me instantly upset. it breaks me down and soon i wont have anything else to loose. one day i saw her and i ran into the bathroom and hid in the corner of a stall crying for all of lunch. it hurt so bad. it still stings my heart when i see her. how easily she moved on and forgot about me.

recently i asked a friend to do me a favor. something that i knew would be helpful but i put it off for a year. i asked her if she would dispose of all the notes & letter between carrie & i or even melissa & i. she was super supportive and understanding with what i was and am going through. she gladly took the ones i gave her and i could feel a load coming off my shoulders. i could feel how light i felt and how much more confident i felt letting go of things that i didn't need. things that only brought pain to my heart & soul. i kept a few. i kept some that i thought would come in handy. i kept one from melissa that was given to me after my Omi passed away. it was beautiful and wasn't about her or me. it reminds me to stay strong and that she is always looking after me from Heaven. that was important to keep. the things from carrie are all gone. i don't want to sound heartless when i say that. i just mean it wasn't healthy for me. when ever i read even the first sentence i would burst into tears. it became to the point where i was crying so much i was loosing sleep & i wasn't eating. missing carrie as much as i did was horrible. i didn't get any sleep and barely ate anything for days. i didn't have the answers or anything like that to help me move on. it is easier, Victoria was right. it got easier to breathe & walk through the halls without having anxiety about seeing her. i still care about her. i still wonder and think about her. i still like her in some ways. it is just in all different ways.

i can finally say goodbye to her. i feel as if i can finally see her and continue laughing or smiling because her leaving changed me. sadly it changed me for the better. i had no idea how strong i was until now. 

i will be back on the blogging spree soon, love you so much!

xoxo-Hails