hudson was here . books

Chapter 2 . Pretty Girls Are Better

i wasn't about to go to school and lie some more to her. i wasn't about to live this life. i couldn’t i couldn’t do that again. i had to stop and just try to control myself. but i couldn’t began to think i had no control over my life & emotions. it was all in the hands of Hudson, and nothing could have terrified me more.

i woke up on friday feeling sick, not ill just sick. i didn't want to get dressed, go to class, see her, or even look at myself. i was too disgusted at what i said to her. i actually lied. 

congrats! you did it my love, you have begun the process. this shouldn't take long. 

"what are you talking about? i'm still me. it was stupid and i will never do it again." i couldn't believe it. i was talking to her. i was actually acknowledging that she was in my head getting to me. 

to: mom

i don't feel good. my stomach hurts and i can't get out of bed can i please stay home just this once. i really don't feel well.

you know what you've done now. lied. you are becoming a liar! this is wonderful, keep going. it'll feel great soon. 

"shut up shut up shut up! you don't control me or my actions! just go away!" oh darling don't you know by now? 'know what?'

i'm you. i'm i your head 24/7. i make you do the bad things. i make you feel horrible about yourself. i am your inner demons. you just took a while to find me.

i tried to just lay in bed all day and just forget about her. but then i remember i can't live without her. i just have to learn to ignore her. she needs a name, that way i can easily wrote about her without people reading it thinking i'm crazy. hudson. that's it.

i turned over to read the time on my phone. 10:11am it read. great i have a whole day ahead of me. i slowly inched up the stairs to watch tv and maybe make some tea. i turned to the kitchen and began to cry. i wasn't myself. i wasn't me anymore. i was turning into the girl who lies to the people that are closest to me. i will control myself enough to keep those lies, within me and not out in the world to hurt people. i have to learn to shut hudson out. she can't control my voice or my actions. i know it will get easier. it has to.

but it didn’t i suddenly found myself doing the only and only thing i thought would make me better. but first i went to my magazine drawer and my pinterest board entitled role models. i stared and stared and thought and cried & freaked out & hated myself. i didn’t understand why i couldn’t have their faces or their bodies. i knew for sure i wouldn’t ever have that kind of a smile. i knew it. i knew i wouldn’t ever have their boobs or their beautiful skin. and certainly no man would look at me like their husbands do! why would i ever think that i am pretty. who on earth could ever comment me like that, without it being a lie.

you wanna know how to fix it?

NO! go away!!

yes you do, stupid! now listen up! she began to tell me about how i could change myself. you will be beautiful in two weeks if you stay on track..

WHAT!!!! NOOOOO! i’m not doing that. i’m not going to be one of those girls, besides that is really sad and not beautiful or anything like that. it WONT help me with any of this!

Halley, those women & girls are better than you for their appearance & beautiful smiles. they are going to go way further than you in life & just be more of a role model & tons more inspiring. and you know it!

before i knew it, i was following her instructions one by one. i was killing my body & slowly beginning to hate myself more and more. i suddenly felt disgusted & stopped. realizing what i did and wanting to take it all back. i couldn’t look at myself for the rest of the week.

***

i woke up the next morning feeling defeated. like i let hudson win all day. which i did. i let her, or rather me, push me around & walk all over me. i let her take control of me.

"WHY?!" i screamed into my pillow and began regretting every word i've ever written to all my friends, everything i did yesterday. i regretting lying, listening to Hudson’s advice & instructions, crying, laughing with them, and trying to cover it up with more lies. i realized what i said was really wrong and totally rude of me. how could i become this harsh, mean monster? how could i go on living with this amount of regret & hatred for myself. so i did what i would always hope i could. i drove. i kept on deriving until i couldn’t remember why i started. i drove until i couldn’t cry anymore. i drove as fast and as furious as i could. i stopped at the big intersection on the way home and it all came back, with a big boom.

you can’t keep me away for long ya know…i want so badly for you to run through this intersection right now!!! i want you to crash so hard, that you have to be hospitalized for a month. i want you to die. it’s the only reasonable way out. come on Halley, DO IT!!!

 i started crying (however, there were no real tears, just the ones in my mind) , panicking, realizing that i actually considered it. death. being permanently gone. it was incredibly stupid.