My little Balerina

For those of you who follow regularly, you know I have a ten year old baby God-sister.
She's growing and changing everyday.
As for our relationship though, she'll forever be baby girl.

That statement right there makes me look like the golden big God-sister.
I'm not.

I'm not good, great, nor even fine.
Actually most days, I'm too busy to even notice/think of her.

Only in the last few days have I started to notice how heavy this makes my heart.
Between work and play, I have absolutely no time to be grateful for someone who I hope to have as a best friend for life.

She's so incredible.
Beautiful.
Powerful.
Brilliant.
Grateful.
Filling.

She's everything I am, everything I'm not, and everything I was never bold enough to be. & she's part of me. We're knit together, somehow. Which is a really incredibly powerful thing.

The time I do spend with her, like really really spend with her...
Is as bright as the sun.

That said- those times are probably counted on one hand. Which brings me to tears.

Last Tuesday I was watching TV.
The clock read about nine.
No one else was awake.

Thinking about her. That angel baby.

A moment long enough ago to have forgotten but sentimental enough to remember. A moment lost in time. Lost in nights where it was more fun to go out. Lost in moments that fell victim of being too cool for that baby girl. Lost in hours of homework. Lost in thought. Lost in the endless efforts to find myself.

& for the first time in my life....
I was lost in tears that recognized my admiration for her.

So there I was. Sobbing while watching to "Pretty little liars".
Probably one of my lowest lows.
Just silently begging god....
To show me the strength to do more, love more, empower more.
All in her name.

Because she is seriously the best.
& I just don't know how to show her that.

So when I finished the show I walked into the room where she was playing and I climbed up on the bed right next to her.

"whatchya doing?" 

Silence....

& then that sweet voice......
"Just playing on the iPad, wanna see?" 


She was so excited that I asked.
Seriously, she looked so happy.

So I watched this funny little game on her iPad for about three minutes.
& then I praised her for it. Because she was excited about it.
Which made me excited about it.

& as I was about to walk away....
She closed her iPad.
Then went back to look at photos it took her to the last viewed photo, it was a picture of her and I at Tahoe

She didn't even realize that I saw.
I awkwardly slinked away into my kitchen.
& with that background image in my mind, I cried.

That night was such a dynamics changer for me.
I realize how much I need her.
I realize how much she also needs me.
I so desire to change how we interact.

So I pray over her.
& I pray that I will be able to love her well.
As well as I love her in my heart of hearts.
Even today counts though. Even those three minutes made an impact.

Baby steps.